Here’s the deal. I’ve got issues with Steve Martini. As it turns out, I don’t actually know who Steve Martini is, other than the fact that he’s an author. I can’t name any of his books. I don’t what genre he works in. And, yet, he foils me consistently.
Here’s the problem – every time I see a Steve Martini book at the store, I think to myself, “Tremendous, a new book by Steve Martin!” You see, I’m a huge Steve Martin fan. Love the guy. And I’m enraged by Mr. Martini’s ability to tack an extra vowel on the end of his surname and confuse us all.
What percentage of his book sales are due to people who think they’re buying the newest comedic treasure? How dare you, Martini? Oh, look at me…I’m named after a sophisticated adult beverage…I’m shaken not stirred…I have an olive in me…get over yourself.
What if every new author just took the name of a well known comedian and added a vowel to the end?
“Have you read George Carlina’s newest book?”
“Not yet, I’m still working on that Richard Pryori mystery you recommended.”
“Oh, if you like that, you’ll love the work of Ellen DeGenerese.”
“How about that bestseller by Brazillian romance novelist, Rodney Dangerfieldo?”
You can see how this might be a problem.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I stop mistaking Steve Martini for Steve Martin and get on with my life? I could show Mr. Martini how it feels by publishing my own book under the pen name – Steve Martinii – then he’d get a taste of his own medicine. I’d trick his fans into buying my book, plus I’d get the readers who buy his books thinking they’re picking up a Steve Martin book (not to mention the small percentage of Steve Martin’s sales that are due to people who are attempting to purchase one of the tomes of lesser known, Cuban self-help author Steve Martí). That’s what I’ll do. So, watch out, Steve Martini – because I’m playing for keeps. And I say the punishment should match the crime. Yep, it’s an “i” for an “i”.