Here’s the deal. Hamsters are rodents. They’re just furrier, slightly cuter versions of rats. Take your average rat and add some extra hair and suddenly everyone thinks it’s adorable. What’s up with that? I’m just like an average man with some extra hair…nobody thinks that’s adorable. Not fair.
I’m telling you, if it wasn’t for the hamster wheel, they’d have nothing going for them.
“Look, everybody, Nibbles is running in his wheel!”
Big deal. I could do that. If I had a really big, plastic wheel…and slightly improved stamina.
What else can they do? They just sit there, cagily, as if plotting a late-night escape. They can’t fetch anything. They can’t protect your house from intruders. They can’t even purr. Useless.
And, of course, the most condemning anti-Hamster argument is that they eat each other. Moms eating their kids. Brothers eating their sisters. That’s not cool. When I was a kid, the one time I tried to barbecue a little piece of my brother, my mom got really upset at me. “You are not to cannibalize your siblings,” she instructed. And, you know what? She was right. I learned a valuable lesson that day. A lesson no one ever bothered to teach hamsters. I love my parents for a lot of reasons, but the biggest reason is that they never tried to eat me.
You know what else bugs me? I don’t know the difference between hamsters and gerbils. If someone says, “I have a hamster,” and then someone else tells me, “I have a gerbil,” I’m picturing the exact same thing – an aquarium full of wood chips with a hirsute rat in the corner.
So, I looked up the difference on wikianswers.com, and here’s what I found –
“1. A gerbil has got a long tail and a hamster has a short stub.
2. A gerbil is a bit like a rat, but smaller, with a furry tail and a shorter snout.
3. Gerbils LOVE chewing and shredding up things, but hamsters don’t as much.
4. Gerbils come from the desert. They don’t pee very often because they don’t drink much.
5. Gerbils are awake during the day. Hamsters are nocturnal.
6. Hamsters have more dark meat.”
This answer raises an important question – how many people out there are raising hamsters for their meat? Are they somehow confusing hamster with ham? Trust me, the “ster” makes a big difference.
And I learned other negatives about hamsters from this answer. Apparently, hamsters are constantly urinating. I don’t see how that goes in the plus column. And they’re nocturnal – so all day long your kids can play with the hairy, sleeping rat. Fantastic.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I convince the pet-purchasing public of this potential pest? I could make everyone watch G-Force, that movie is a public service announcement against gerbils and hamsters. I could take out the miniature, plastic wheel industry – without their support, these rodents would be helpless. Ditto with the wood chip consortium. Or, I could just sit back and wait. After all, it’s a hamster eat hamster world out there.