Here’s the deal. For those of you who were eagerly awaiting my new 39 day update, I apologize for being two days late. For those of you who were unaware that it was time for a new 39 day update (i.e. all of you), welcome to my new 39 day update.
Let us begin with my attack on spam. Per this article, in 2004, Bill Gates announced that “two years from now, Spam will be solved.” In the meantime, it grew by leaps and bounds. In April of 2011, Makya McBee declared, “How will I outwit these clever hackers…my job is already done.” And, this past week, spamming was reduced by nearly 80%! I’m not entirely sure how, but clearly I’ve done a great service for humankind here. Anything else I can do for you, Mr. Gates?
In the past month, there’s been a lot of news on the Mountain Dew front. Mere weeks after I mocked the soda for introducing an absurd number of new flavors, they responded by…introducing yet another new flavor. I kid you not. Meet Mountain Dew Coolatta. And if that wasn’t disrespectful enough, the very ad campaign I confronted went on to win the Grand Prix top advertising prize of something or other (details are here). It seems this caffeinated juggernaut is unstoppable.
Not even a rather unappetizing lawsuit can stand in their way. This story reports that a man claims to have found a dead mouse in his can of Mountain Dew. The company refuted this claim when they “examined the mouse’s remains [and concluded that it] would have dissolved in the soda if it had been in the can as long as the plaintiff claimed.” Let me get this straight…their argument is…there couldn’t have been a deceased rodent in your cola, because when we drop dead mice in our sodas their bodies dissolve completely. Mmmmm, yummy defense.
In terms of my battle vs. Steve Martini there are no updates. However, as Horton Hears a Who aired last night, I noticed that it was directed by…Steve Martino! Egad! Is there no stop to the number of people who will add a vowel to the end of Steve Martin’s name to cash in? Trust me people, if the next big pop star is Steve Martinu the conspiracy will be complete. Be wary, my friends. Be wary.
On the eleventh of this month, I posted an insightful piece on the dangers of text message abbreviations. I wrote, “How will I stop pre-teens everywhere from shortening our words until there’s nothing left? I fear it may be too late,” this fear was validated when I read here that “LOL” and “OMG” have now been added to the OED. I further decided to “attack this problem from a different angle… to create a program that converts text message abbreviations into normal English.” Well, just this past week, a company took my advice and “Veeno” was announced – this software translates English into Indian, with a subprogram that specifically interprets text message abbreviations. Now, when you text customer support for assistance, you can feel free to abbreviate to your heart’s content.
How about my brave admission that I don’t care for popcorn? Well, just two days ago, Mitt Romney was giving a speech to supporters in Des Moines (full story here) when the event was cut short due to a fire alarm…set off by a burning bag of microwave popcorn. Regardless of your political affiliation, I think we can all agree that movie concession snacks cannot be allowed to disrupt our democracy. What’s next – Lemon Heads of state? Sno-Caps and Trade? Junior Mints running for Junior senator? Gives a whole new meaning to that familiar song – “Let’s all go to the lobby…and lobby and lobby and lobby…”
When it comes to people not knowing what irony is – I could do a new blog each week. A quick search reviewed multiple examples from just the past few days. The USA Today reports that the upcoming NBA finals are ironic for the Miami Heat “in that Dallas was the site for perhaps this season’s most challenging moment.” Yes, how ironic that they should play against one of the toughest teams in the finals…NO! Not ironic! The opposite of ironic! Exactly what should be expected!
A recent book review notes that, “It’s both ironic and gratifying that ‘Sixkill,’ the final Spenser novel completed by the late Robert B. Parker, is the best one he’d written in a very long time.” Ironic how? You wouldn’t expect an author’s final work to be one of his best because…? These things are so far from being ironic that I often can’t even guess at how someone could mistakenly find them ironic.
Then, there’s the shopping carts. As reported here, Rancho Cucamonga has just enacted a new law that will fine stores when their shopping carts are found abandoned in public streets. Sure. That makes sense. We should also fine bank branches when their stolen money is found in other people’s wallets.
In a seemingly related story, apparently 71% of online shoppers abandon their carts when they learn of the high shipping charges when finalizing their orders. It’s a crying shame. People can’t even be trusted to return their virtual shopping carts.
Now, for the big picture stuff. When I started my blog, I had 560 Google hits. As of my first 39 day update, I was up to just over 3,000. I checked today and “Makya McBee” returned 6,160 results. That’s the good news. The bad news is Patton Oswalt started at 839,500 Google results, and today he’s up to 2,300,000. Perhaps I have underestimated my opponent. It’s almost as if a best-selling author, nationally touring standup comic, successful television actor and world famous movie star is doing a better job of promoting himself than a freelance copywriter with a rarely-viewed blog. Who would have figured?
(For those of you keeping track, “nostril parade” had 31 Google results when I posted my first entry. Today it has 60 results…granted, mostly due to the fact that I keep mentioning it).
Finally, it’s time to remind everyone of a few things – (1) If you have not yet clicked over and voted for this as the best humor blog…why not? If you feel the need to first read every single humor blog on the internet before you can fairly make this assertion, please, don’t go to all the trouble. Just trust me, this one’s the best. So please head over and vote now. (2) Similarly, I still need help spreading the word that this blog exists. My traffic has dropped by over fifty percent in the last couple of weeks and I can’t figure out why. What’s up with that? Send emails to everyone you know – we can’t change the world if the world doesn’t know we’re over here trying to change it. To those of you who keep reading, I appreciate your support. (3) In order to keep up my weekly reader suggested post, I’ll soon be needing more reader’s suggestions. So, if there’s anything you’d like me to take on in the future, please leave it in the comment section.
That’s it for the update. Thanks for reading. Thanks for your comments. And, of course, nostril parade.