Vs. Spam

Posted: April 20, 2011 in Internet
Tags: , , ,

Here’s the deal.  Various studies conclude that 70-90% of all emails are spam.  180 to 200 billion spam messages are sent every single day.  93 billion of them are sent to me.

That last part was a little hyperbole, but the rest is disturbingly true. 

So I’ve been keeping track for a few weeks now.  Jotting down various subject headings of my spam before I delete to my heart’s content.  And, given the incredible speed of technological advancement, it’s amazing the spammers can’t come up with a single convincing line.  Not one subject heading that has come close to tricking me into opening their email.

Now, for your convenience, I’ve categorized the ways in which you can identify an email as spam.  (Everything in quotes below is an actual spam subject heading I received in the past month).

(1) Incorrect Gender Targeted – “Sexy and Supportive Bras,” or “Breaking news for Stay home Mother.” – Ahhh, they know me so well.

(2) Excessive Random Punctuation – “We-have_added new jackpotsa-get_to-them first-town warning” – This-sounds_nothing like-a_real-email^you’re*not$fooling/{(>anyone.

(3) Winning Anything – “Congratulations.  You have been selected.” – You haven’t been selected, you haven’t won the lottery, there is no jackpot, this is not how the world works.

(4) False Sense of Urgency – “This is interesting!” or “I think you might like this!” – I know they sound intriguing, but don’t be fooled…it won’t be interesting and you won’t like it! 

(5) Too Many Capital Letters – “I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU” – this feels more urgent than the exclamation point, I’d better delete this AT ONCE.

(6) Poor Spacing – “youshould collectnow embassy” – youshould createaspamming programthat knows howto spacecorrectly.

(7) Poor Grammar – “Rolex.com For You Discount” – delete bin for you email go

(8) Poor Spelling – “Today Olny” – olny? Realyl? 

(9) The Fake Re: – “Re: Fund Investment Proposal” – yeah…I don’t have any investment proposals brewing, I’m more in the business of investing in my rent and groceries.

(10) Nonsense – “asfdas” – Asfdas me?  No, asfdas you!

(11) Ridiculous Claims – “Change your life in 60 seconds” or “Meet me tonight?” – Never, in the history of the universe has a random woman sent a random man an email asking him to meet her tonight.  And the only way I could change my life in 60 seconds is if I open this spam and it’s a virus.

(12) Ridiculous Names – “Mr. Dustan Zulu” – believe me, if I’d ever met someone named Dustan Zulu, I wouldn’t have forgotten about it.

(13) Ridiculous Return Addresses – “xujwj@qacvtlpa4.transsingex.com” – oh, my old friend xujwj, wonder what he/she/it has been up to since college.

(14) Suspicious Return Addresses – “knperson63@yahoo.com” – oh, it’s a “person” sending me a message.  I like messages from “people.”

(15) Too Generic – “A friend has sent you a MESSAGE” – guess what, when friends send me a message, they don’t say, “a friend has sent you a message,” they just tell me what the message is.

So, how am I going to do it?   How will I outwit these clever hackers?  Please.  I’m surprised spamming works at all.  Who opens these messages?  How do they make money off this?  There’s nothing to defeat here.  These sad little attempts to scam or advertise are so blatantly obvious, just creating this post means my job is already done.  Now, I have to go.  My friend Xujwj is meeting me tonight and we’re going to purchase a Rolex and some supportive, sexy bras.  THIS IS INTERESTING!

  1. heathersnyder1 says:

    Oh, I just love Spam. Pretty soon I’m going to receive a FREE APPLE iPad from a one Markus Krumpschmid, just by sending out invites to all of my friends’ e-mail addresses.

    I am currently helping Boipelo Ainsworth get away from his captors that were so kind as to let him use their computer so he could e-mail me.

    I am also going to finally be able to shed 20 pounds in 3 days using an herbal product.

    • Makya McBee says:

      For my failed humor book, I replied to one of those sweepstakes wins…we went back and forth with them asking me for the money for the courrier to send my cash and prizes. I wrote to them that I’d just come and pick them up myself…and asked if I could stay with them and sleep on the couch while I was in town…they stopped emailing me.

      • heathersnyder1 says:

        Hahaha! That sounds like a great idea. I wonder if I forward the Spam to the e-mail address that they sent it from, would they be getting it right back, like a vicious Spam cycle? It would be worth trying.

      • Makya McBee says:

        I tried to build a “vicious Spam cycle” once…out of a few tricycle parts, some Spam “meat” and a spear (that was the vicious part)…I was pretty intimidating riding around the neighborhood on my homemade bike…until the neighbor’s dog ate it.

  2. CrystalDodd says:

    Oh yeah! Thanks for waging a war on Spam! I cannot wait until this stuff is eradicated!

  3. CrystalDodd says:

    We will delete those Spammy little suckers!

  4. Well thanks a lot because I’m going to be giggling and saying “delete bin for you email go” for the rest of the weekend! And I’m off Monday too!

    My personal favorite is when you get an email from YOURSELF! Hmmm…I’m not sure why I emailed myself about Saudi prince penis enlargement, but my name’s right there in the To and From lines, so it must be safe!

    I wouldn’t give myself a virus. Or would I?

    • Makya McBee says:

      I’ve never received an email from myself…guess it shouldn’t surprise me, I’ve never sent one to myself.
      Thanks for the comment – happy reader to have you

  5. Angelina says:

    Some how or other I keep getting spam mail where I can date hot married women???????

  6. jimsnyder1 says:

    Hahahaha! Very funny,especially #13.

  7. RogerWaite says:

    Spam from a can=good.
    Spam from internet=what the %#@%! Who the %&*# sent me a virus!

    • Makya McBee says:

      Spam from a can=good? You sure about that? I’ve never eaten Spam. But it doesn’t look “good.”

      • Roger Waite says:

        Has to be fried Spam though. You have to make a sandwich out of it, or else if you look at it, you might not be able to stomach it. Dont’ read the ingredients while you are eating it either. YUCK!

  8. Jennifer says:

    That’s funny I just got a Spam e-mail the other day to tell me I had been the grand prize winner of 50 cans of Spam.

  9. I have gotten Spam from myself as well. Found out that my e-mail account got hacked. I thought that the e-mails from myself were really nice though.
    Other than that, I’ve gotten offers for free computers and other devices. Also, e-mails for enhancers..ahem, of a certain type.

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