Here’s the deal. I live less than three miles from the Pacific Ocean, and I haven’t walked on the beach in years. Because of the sand. Can you imagine how nice beaches would be if they didn’t have all that sand? Not that I’m a big fan of the ocean either. Come to think of it, my ideal beach wouldn’t have sand or water. And it would have a roof, so you wouldn’t get sunburned. Maybe air conditioning. A nice comfortable place to sit. A variety of food options. I think my ideal beach is the food court at the mall.
The main reason I don’t like sand is that it gets everywhere. You can take one, single step on to the beach, and you’ll have sand in your shoes, in your underwear, behind your ear – the stuff is like a magnet for human flesh. Five minutes on the beach and I’m cleaning sand out of everything I own for the next three months. Who needs it?
And who invented the sandbox? Who’s idea of fun is that?
“We need something else for our playground.”
“How about a box for the kids to sit in?”
“I don’t know, boxes aren’t that much fun.”
“Oh, what if we fill it with a loose, granular material?”
“You mean like a bunch of tiny rocks?”
Let me tell you, the sand does not make the box more attractive. (I have boxes in my house and they’re all sand-free, just like I like them). Playground sandboxes look like over-sized litter boxes and are probably about as sanitary.
You want more evidence that sand is bad? What about golfers? There they are, enjoying themselves with a lovely round of golf. When they see a perfectly raked area of sand. Should they go in? No! It’s a trap!
And what about sand dollars? Way over-valued. They’re probably worth about sixteen cents.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I keep all sand that is not in wich form out of my life? It’s impossible. A few nights ago I went for a late night walk and meandered through the local playground – and the whole thing was one big sandbox. One step and the sand actually leaped up off the ground and into my shoes. I hate it when people cover entire playgrounds in sand. I know it’s supposed to be for the safety of the children, but when you fall in sand, it still hurts. Why not make the ground something cool, like bubble wrap or cotton candy? Sand is just tiny, jagged rocks waiting to jump in your socks and scratch up your toes. Oh, I can’t stand it.
So, I’m drawing a line in the…you know…and I’m declaring that I have no use for the stuff. I prefer my paper smooth. I’ll make my castles out of lollipops and dreams. And, if you need me, I’ll be at the mall.