Here’s the deal.  For those of you who don’t know what autocomplete is (i.e. my mom), essentially, it’s when a computer program tries to predict what you are planning to type.  It began as a time-saving device that would finish the date, an email address, or other common words and phrases for you and has become, thanks to shared screenshots of Google searches, sometimes bizarre and amusing.    The hard working algorithms over at Google access overall popularity of searches and begin guessing at what you want to search for after your first letter (for example, just type in “how does google au” and “tocomplete work” will come up and explain itself to you).

    Usually, the autocomplete process is pretty straight forward and sensible.  Occasionally, it is completely absurd.  Often, it is enlightening, as it gives some insight into what the world has been searching for.

    For example, people turn to the internet now, more than ever, for advice.  They want to know, for instance, what is and isn’t safe.  And here’s how Google completed my search on this topic…

 

    Of course, if you need to ask if you should be kickboxing while pregnant you’re probably the type of person who kayaks with alligators and your days may be numbered regardless.

    Similarly, people are always curious to know if they’re normal or not, so I started a search on this topic and Google was helpful enough to suggest…

 

    The answer, by the way, is no.  It’s not normal.  (Unless, of course, we’re talking about 31 – those curves – wow, what a striking figure)

    Now that we see how useful Google’s autocomplete is, what could I possibly have against this marvel of modern technology?  Here’s the problem.  I’m actively engaged in a Google-off with Patton Oswalt (if you haven’t read that blog entry, check it out here, or just scroll down, how lazy are you?  And, yes, I am aware of the irony – every time I mention my competition with Oswalt, he gets another Google hit from my referencing him….it’s the Catch-22 cost of doing business). 

    Needless to say, Oswalt is off to a big lead and I need all the help I can get.  If you type in “Patt” in Google, Oswalt is second only to Patti Smith in Google’s autocomplete suggestions. 

    And here’s what happens when you try my name… 

 

    Makyura the Destroyer?  Give me a break.  You know what this is?  It’s a Yugioh card.  And not even a good one.  I checked a couple of on-line forums and it is apparently rare, but fairly useless.  And it’s standing in my way.  How are people going to find me?  How will I defeat Oswalt?  How are people still playing with Yugioh cards

    So, how am I going to do it?  How will I destroy Makyura the Destructor and take my rightful place at the top of the search list?  I must continue to write.  Continue to increase my online presence.  Continue to fight the good fight.  And one day I shall emerge victorious.

   Until then, I’ll be looking forward to the day I can look admiringly into the googly double o eyes of America’s favorite website and whisper, “You (auto)complete me.”

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Comments
  1. heathersnyder1 says:

    Hahahaha! Love this one!

  2. Ted C says:

    Try googling christians sometime. The autocomplete comes up with mean, ignorant, annoying, nice, and angry.

  3. Ian says:

    Utterly hysterical. And just because I was inspired, I typed “utterly h” into Google. What came up? “Utterly horses.” I did not investigate further.

  4. PEGGY says:

    thanks for my explanation – it’s good to know that you are looking out for me! Now I am going to have some fun with autocomplete.

    • Makya McBee says:

      If my blog accomplishes nothing else, I have now gotten my mom to officially enter cyberspace. I guess anything is
      possible if you believe. Google domination can’t be far behind. Onward and upward.

  5. JamesSnyder1 says:

    This is hilarious!
    By the way I googled James Snyder…Autocomplete came up with James Snyder. Turns out I’m an actor listed on Imdb.com. Better known in the movie “She’s the Man” and the upcoming “Meth Head”. Wow, Meth Head! And who can’t get “She’s the Man” starring Amanda Bynes out of their heads?

  6. I am a Google Autocomplete addict.

    • Makya McBee says:

      The first step is admitting you have a pro…bation – pro…be – pro…boscis…(sorry, having trouble with my autocomplete) – pro…blem.

      • LMAO! I did Google “addiction” to see if there are anymore Autocomplete addicts out there and Autocomplete gave me:

        addictive drums
        addiction Solitaire
        addicted to Costco

        Costco?!? Ok, How did they know I was addicted to Costco second only to Google Autocomplete addiction?

      • Makya McBee says:

        Google knows everything.
        It’s best not to ask questions…just slowly back away from your computer…

  7. First take on Google Autocomplete then you have to go up against Droid Text Spellcheck.

  8. Jennifer says:

    This is so funny. By the way I Googled the words “this blog” & Autocomplete came up with:

    This blog rules
    This blog will change your life
    This blog I follow

    All true. Which I will continue following, this stuff is great 🙂

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