Vs. Turtlenecks

Posted: March 30, 2011 in Clothing
Tags: , , , ,
Mitch Hedberg

Image via Wikipedia

    Here’s the deal.  I don’t like turtlenecks.  I find them very constricting.  For the same reason, I don’t wear rings, or watches, or bind myself with rubber bands.  I like elastic, shoes that are one size too big and any piece of clothing that flows.  One of my favorite stand-up comics and fellow turtleneckaphobe may have put it best…

    “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day long,” Mitch Hedberg.

    I also don’t much care for the way they look.  If you wear a turtleneck it looks like a fabric python is swallowing you whole and only your cranium remains undigested.  I will say that the turtleneck looks better on women than men…but, then again, what doesn’t?  (How is it fair that women look better in both their clothes and ours?  It’s very discouraging).

    And how is it that turtlenecks have remained popular lo these many years?  We’re talking about an article of clothing that blatantly tries to make you look more like a turtle.  When, in the history of humanity, has one human being ever turned to another and said, “I wish I looked more like a turtle…specifically in the neck area.” 

Unfolded turtleneck

Image via Wikipedia


    Plus, I can’t quite get away from the image that a turtleneck wearer projects.  Especially the hefty, turtleneck sweaters.  I just feel like that guy is about to stir his hot cider with a stick of cinnamon, turn up the jazz fusion, aimlessly adjust the logs in the fire, and note how a couple of throw pillows might really brighten up the cabin.   

    I mean, there is such a thing as too cozy.  

    So, how am I going to do it?   How will I defeat this confounding, confining clothing?  One word – scissors.

   Maybe I can even make some money off the deal.  Leg warmers were all the rage in the 80’s.  Maybe if I start severing every turtleneck I encounter, I can sell the remnants as neck warmers.  This could be big.  Snuggie big.  Of course, my neck warmers will be just as choking as they were when attached to the sweater.  But at least this way I can make a buck.  Heck, if everyone else secretly wants to look more like our reptilian friends, maybe I’ll even expand my business… 

    Terrapinstripe suit, anyone?

  1. Kestrel Blue says:

    I personally do not enjoy wearing them….heck, i can;t even go for a run in pants or long sleeves, i feel way to constricted, so obviously i do not want to wear a turtle neck all day. I believe that I only own 1, and I only bring it out a few times a year, but am always messing with the neck thing…..if you need to borrow some scissors let me know!

  2. Ian says:

    Well, while we’re into disclosure….I can’t run with gloves on. If I do, I get this unbelievable tickling sensation in the backs of my hands, right in the veins. I have no idea why, but it has plagued me my whole life. On frigid days I even used to run with socks on my hands, so that I could roll them up over the ticklish area and at least protect my fingers. I was not, I assure you, embarrassed in the least. However, I was a little embarrassed when, Makya, you wore oven mitts for mittens on your trip here.

    • Makya McBee says:

      How dare you air our dirty laundry? Whether they be mittens or oven mitts. However, let me just say that, unless you plan on picking anything up or using your hands for any of the functions for which they are designed, oven mitts are a splendid alternative to mittens – especially if you plan to do any baking while outside.

  3. jimsnyder1 says:

    Sarah Jessica Parker does not like turtlenecks either: http://www.hollyfaces.com/gossips/sarah-jessica-parker-rejects-the-turtleneck.html

    She says, “I feel like I’m having a panic attack in them.” So, if you Makya McBee can take on turtlenecks. Not only will you be doing the fashion world a favor, but you will also be saving Sarah Jessica Parker.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Perfect. When I started this blog I thought to myself, “Self, if you can make internet users everywhere laugh, that’s reward enough…if you can also get enough publicity to help your career, well, that’s the icing on the cake…and, if, dare to dream, you can save Sarah Jessica Parker in the process, well, then everything would be right with the world.”

  4. jimsnyder1 says:

    Thank you for making us laugh, and also thank you for saving Sarah-Jessica Parker.

  5. Jennifer says:

    Another thing wrong with turtlenecks is, when I pull them over my head to put them on, my hair ends up getting static cling. Therefore after wrestling with the neck part, for what seems like an eternity, my hair ends up looking like I touched one of those science project metal globes that makes all my hairs stand on end.

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