Here’s the deal.  Vampires used to be creepy.  The last thing you’d want to meet in a dark alley.  Worthy of our fear.  Dracula was not huggable.  No one ever produced pink, I Love Vlad the Impaler hoodies.  Throngs of teenage girls never swooned over Nosferatu.

Shadow of Count Orlock, in the film Nosferatu

Image via Wikipedia

     And vampires were never moody.

    Bram Stoker’s Dracula has been adapted for the screen over 170 times (including ‘93’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula), and it’s gradually been so watered down, that today’s vampires are hardly recognizableVampires were blood-thirsty killers.  Cannibals.  Parasites.  Sure, there was a certain allure – a dangerous charisma, but at the end of the day, it was all about survival, and that meant sucking you dry…not helping you get over your teenage angst.

    Bottom line – vampires should never sigh.

    I’ve never seen or read Twilight, but here’s what I garner.  The vampires in that world aren’t particularly bothered by the sun (although it does, apparently, make them sparkly).  Wooden stakes don’t kill them.  They don’t have fangs.  And garlic, holy water and crucifixes are no big deal.  I can see why they have the time to mope, they live hundreds of years with nothing to worry about except that if they head out in the afternoon they might twinkle. 

    And it’s not just Cullen and company, it seems like all the blood suckers these days spend less time looking for a good meal and more time looking for a good therapist. 

    Come on, if you’re a vampire, and you’re immortal, how you know when to have your mid-life crisis?  How can you spend so much time being reflective if you don’t even have a reflection?    And since when do vampires keep diaries?  (“Dear Diary…After agonizing over the state of the world all morning, I went out this afternoon and just glimmered.”)

Gary Oldman as Dracula in his geriatic form.

Image via Wikipedia


    Some die-hard fans will argue that these are re-envisioned vampires – different and special in their own way.  I’ve seen the New Moon, Half Moon, Crescent Sliver trailers – those vampires jump around like bionic kangaroos.  Those books were written by someone who didn’t know what a vampire was.  You can’t just ignore the mythology and label your characters vampires because it seems sexy.  Guess what – I just wrote a new werewolf screenplay.  All of the werewolves are middle-aged accountants and whenever they see the moon they become covered in glitter and turn into break-dancing gerbils.  It’s my re-envisioned werewolf.           

     So, how am I going to do it?   How will I transform from mild-mannered copywriter to stealthy vampire hunter?  How can I get these hunky pseudo-suckers to look and act more like Gary Oldman with hair buns?  How can I get them to stop sulking and start behaving like the glorified ticks they are?  I don’t know.  I suppose it’s just a waiting game.  The median age of vamp-lite fans is 14.3 years old.  If I can just hold on for another eight or nine years, they’ll get it out of their system.  Besides, there’s millions of them and only one of me.  Plus, to be honest, I wasn’t that big a fan of the old vampires.  They are, literally, the lesser of two evils.  But I’ll do what I can.  Because I think we all can agree…

    These revamped vamps need to spend less time thinking, “Be positive,” and more time drinking B+.

  1. Kestrel Blue says:

    I do not see the vast interest in the vampire movies that have been coming out, I dont get it, if I wanted to see a high school girl torn between to guys, I would go back to high school! I dont know to much about vampires in general , but I could tell when I saw Edward sparkle that it is not my cup of tea.

  2. Ian says:

    Right on! Finally, someone speaking some sense! “Throngs of teenage girls never swooned over Nosferatu.” Hilarious. I could cite ten lines from this blog entry alone. You are right, this series was written by someone who doesn’t know what a vampire is.
    A dyed-in-the-wool, serious (and filthy rich) Mormon, no less. And now those fickle throngs have dumped poor Edward the brooding vamp for the new not-quite-cocksman in Jacob, the weightlifting werewolf as breakdancing gerbil. Edward is so last century.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Nice. Sounds like you (unlike her vampires) are out for blood.

      Good luck as you battle your worthy foes. Remember, Edward is the sparkling kangaroo and Jacob is the one who has apparently misplaced all of his t-shirts.

  3. heathersnyder1 says:

    Vampires used to wear cloaks that made them…mysterious. They used to pull the cloaks up to their eyes & hide their Vampire fangs. That used to work in their favor…I’m a vampire…or not…you can’t tell because this cloak is hiding my fangs. Then…BAMMM! They just bit you…you my friend are a dead person. Game over.
    But you just don’t have that with today’s Vampires. Don’t go near him, he sparkles, he’s a Vampire. Probably one reason they are moody, no element of surprise.

  4. Brad Abernethy says:

    I think the true enemy here is not the vampires, its not their fault they have been misrepresented, it is the pre and not so pre teens girls. If you eliminate the vamps you might win the battle but not the war. It would only be a matter of days before something else starts brooding and sparkling.

    • Makya McBee says:

      So…you’re suggesting we eliminate pre-teen girls? More diabolical than a vampire.
      I’m not, however, opposed to sparkling and brooding in general.
      Truth be told, I wish I could sparkle.
      Stay golden, Pony Boy.

  5. Thanks for sharing. 🙂 You are spot on. . .vampires just aren’t what they used to be.

  6. Give me creepy vampires over sparkley ones any day of the week.

  7. RogerWaite says:

    Maybe Vampires use a specially formulated sunscreen with glitter in it.

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