Vs. Bananas

Posted: March 16, 2011 in Food
Tags: , ,

    Here’s the deal.  I bought some bananas.  You know, to eat.  When I went to bed last night, they were green and unripe.  When I woke up this morning, they were brown and mushy.  I had, apparently, slept through their eighteen-minute window of ripeness.

    Bananas are the divas of the fruit world.  “We’re not ready yet, we’re not ready yet…we were ready five minutes ago, where were you?”  I don’t care for their high maintenance attitude.  But, alas, I’m a sucker for their deliciousness.

    You know those pop-up timers that tell you when a turkey is done?  I would be a rich man if I could invent one of those for bananas.  Imagine if you could attach a device to your bananas that would immediately alert you when they were perfectly ready to eat.  It would even call your cell phone if you weren’t at home.  The banana beeper.  Unfortunately, even top scientists are daunted by the mystery of banana ripening.  And, as technologically advanced as we are, we remain at the banana’s whim.

'Cavendish' bananas are the main commercial cu...

Image via Wikipedia

    And the worst part is, sometimes the bananas themselves aren’t even sure if they’re ripe.  I’ve had bananas that remain green near the stem, while the rest of the peel looks like a close up of Opie Taylor.  Or sometimes the entire fruit is brown and blemished, and yet the peel remains impossibly tough as if to warn, “Don’t open me yet, I’m not ready to eat.”  Those bananas are a fickle, freckled bunch. 

    So, how am I going to do it?   How will I deduce a way to only eat bananas at their scrumptious peak of freshness?  A little online research suggests refrigerating my yellow, tropical friends.  But if I wanted chilled banana I’d buy…I don’t know what I’d buy, but I don’t want chilled bananas.

     A little more online research indicates that I ought to separate the bananas from the bunch.  Now this makes sense.  I’ve always felt they were conspiring against me.  Watching my every move.  Planning.  Plotting.  Waiting for the moment when I’m asleep, out of the apartment for the day, or just have finished a large meal – then the head banana cries out to his minions to ripen instantly.  And they laugh and laugh and laugh at me.  Me, the big shot who purchased them from the supermarket, whom they’ve just rendered impotent with their speedy browning.  Tricky bastards.  But, separated, I weaken their resolve.  I can even keep them in different rooms, so there’s no chance that they can communicate and synchronize their ripening.  This just might work.

    Of course, I could simplify matters and just buy bananas individually.  If only this were socially acceptable.  You almost never see someone purchasing a single banana.  We are trained well to desire bunches.  Do I have the strength to be the outcast who steps up to the register with a lone banana?  Shall I suffer the life of a pariah for the sake of this insolent fruit?

   Screw it.  I’ll just start eating apples.

  1. Heather says:

    Banana chips are better. They don’t make a mockery of me. They don’t judge. Banana chips are the wave of the future.
    “Bananas in a bunch are so 2000 and late”, (quoting Fergie, because…she really did say that…in the song Boom Boom Pow…).

    • Makya McBee says:

      Absolutely, the more I think about it the more I realize that Fergie, the doctors, everyone’s right – bananas are old news…I believe kiwis are the new bananas.

  2. Kestrel Blue says:

    Don’t let to m any bananas in your apartment at one time, and make sure you approach them with caution, they seem to have it out for you, switching to apples may be the safe thing to do for now, until further research or a ripeness detector is invented…an apple a day keeps the Dr. away, but when the Dr.’s away the banana’s will play…good luck with this situation!

  3. Ian says:

    The solution to this banana-ripening problem, which I have cried long nights over, has been presented to me by a great many unfeeling souls. The solution as it has been told to me: Banana bread. Meager, at best. I’m not sure that your column offered much hope, but perhaps there is little to be had.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Banana bread isn’t a solution, it’s a last resort. That’s like saying, “Oh, your ice maker is broken? I’ve got a solution – water.”

  4. heathersnyder1 says:

    There’s always Bananas Flambe’. Torch those little yellow bastards! Burn baby, burn…um…that might have come off as a little too crazy…but, those little fruit demons shall be destroyed.

    • Makya McBee says:

      I’ve found bananas to be very responsive to the threat of violence. They leave their peels lying about in slapstick comedies everywhere, just waiting to be slipped on…well, we’re about to turn up the heat.

  5. heathersnyder1 says:

    Hahahaha!!! Demonic Bananas I rebuke you!!!

  6. zack karabashliev says:

    Favorite post:)

  7. I love this post…I don’t like unpredictable bananas.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Exactly. I prefer my fruit very predictable – everyone knows, for example, what an apple is going to do next. (Although I sometimes
      wonder exactly what they’re doing to keep those doctor away).

  8. Jennifer says:

    Be careful they are starting to go crazy. I saw this on an infommercial:


    It’s scary, Banana Trees with lots of bunches of bananas on them. People are going to buy these up left and right thinking, “I don’t have to go to the store to get bananas, I will have bunches and bunches of them on my very own personal banana tree.” Then, they will all ripen at one time, then get brown and mushy before people can get them from the tree.

    This is a disaster.

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