Vs. Bed Bath & Beyond

Posted: March 14, 2011 in Odds and Ends
Tags: , , , , , , ,
A Bed Bath and Beyond store in a shopping cent...

Image via Wikipedia

    Here’s the deal.  I got a Bed Bath & Beyond catalog in the mail today.  In the past, I have deposited these directly into the recycling bin.  But today, by a gust of fate, a breeze blew the booklet open and something caught my eye – the 36 Pair Over the Door Shoe Rack (sale price, $29.99).  Hmmm, I pondered to myself, perhaps I should give this literature a closer look. 

    Back inside my apartment, I began to leaf through this novella of advertisements and found myself more and more intrigued.  On page 14, I became enamored with the Slate Firepit (“includes dome firescreen, screen lift tool and protective cover”), and who could forget the Cedar Ottoman (“real cedar wood lining”), and I was happily impressed with the ingenuity of EZ Feet (a device that looks like the love child of a flip-flop and an over-sized novelty toothbrush, and suction cups to the bottom of your shower floor so that you can clean your feet with ease). 

     Let’s take these items one by one.  My first love – the 36 pair shoe rack.  My honest reaction when I saw it was – that looks like a really convenient way to organize my footwear.  About two seconds later it occurred to me that I only own four pairs of shoes.  Sure, I could impress friends and Jehovah’s Witnesses when they drop by and I let them choose from any of the 32 vacancies to park their loafers whilst we visit…but do I really want friends who are blown away by sneaker storage?  And do I really want Jehovah’s Witnesses who are…in my apartment?  Probably not. 

    What about the firepit?  It’s a pit.  For fire.  Plus, it not only has a screen, but a screen lift tool.  Seriously, how many times have you thought to yourself, if only I had a screen lift tool.  Again, it sounds like I mock, but it actually looked cool.  I wanted one.  I wanted a circular, raised fire holder.  Like primitive man, I wanted fire.  Like modern man, I wanted it in convenient pit form.  But I don’t have a backyard.  I don’t even have a balcony.  If I put the firepit in the hall, the smoke alarm would go off constantly.  Very inconvenient.

    Okay, surely my apartment could accommodate a cedar ottoman.  I’ll be honest, even though I like the sound of it, and even though I’m looking at a picture of it at this very moment, I have absolutely no idea what an ottoman is.  I don’t know what one is expected to do with, on, or near an ottoman.  It sounds impressive (probably due mostly to the empire connection), but I’m not so sure the person that invented the ottoman even knows its purpose.  I can’t go around buying things I’ll never use – I made that mistake once already with the exercise bike.  Never again.

    Lastly there’s EZ Feet.  It’s actual slogan – “No more bending to clean your feet.”  This must be the embodiment of American laziness.  But so what, if we’re going to be slothful, we might as well embrace it.  I think this product is deep.  I think it knows who we truly are.  I think it has the potential to clean more than just our soles…it can clean our souls.  I just don’t know if I’m ready for that type of commitment.

    So why am I confronting Bed Bath & Beyond?  I have no problem with their products.  They’re beautiful.  Beyond beautiful.  My issue is that BB&B made me want them.

    In my twenties, I never even entered one of their fine establishments.  And, until today, I’d never gone through one of their fliers cover to cover.  Because I had cool, young, hip things to do.  Like bungee jumping, night club hopping and twittering my peeps.  An over the door shoe rack never looked cool to me for one good reason.  It isn’t.  But now, all of the sudden, I’m old.  Organizing my footwear is more appealing than putting it on for a night out.  And I curse Bed Bath & Beyond for illuminating this fact.

    So, how am I going to do it?   How will I recapture my youth and stop wanting to purchase firepits and ottomans?  Well, as always, the first step towards recovery is admitting that I have a problem.  My name is Makya McBee and I sort of want to go shop at Bed Bath & Beyond.  Wow, that feels better.  A weight has been lifted.  I think I also need to give up my childish ways and embrace adulthood.  I need to eliminate my fear of growing older.  Take a look around at the more mature generation.  See what it’s like to walk a mile in their shoes…

Damn, if I only had that shoe rack.

Comments
  1. Kestrel Blue Kerl says:

    So I love it when people use “love child”, I had to google the EZ feet, and that was pretty much spot on…also a very lazy way to clean your feet…but at the same time convenient.
    I am happy to see that your primitive man and modern day man are on the same page…life is always better when they get along! hehehe :)

    • Makya McBee says:

      Yes, “love child” is a nice one…of course, it just occurred to me that it sort of implies that the rest of us are not love children.
      I guess that’s okay…we are children of Bed Bath & Beyond.

  2. Ian says:

    When is the last time anyone went in there for their bed OR their bath? They ought to call it A Bunch of Shit and good coffeemakers.

    • Makya McBee says:

      There actually was a store called A Bunch of Shit and Good Coffeemakers in Inglewood, near the race track. They went out of business. It’s a shame. They had really good coffeemakers.

      • yes! says:

        BB&B has no soap. No soap! What sort of Bath store has no soap? Undoubtedly why they invented that foot scrubby thing, guess I’d need something extra for the feet too if I didn’t use soap.

      • Makya McBee says:

        I don’t think they sell baths either. We should file a lawsuit.

  3. Laura4NYC says:

    Out of pure curiosity I looked at the EZ Feet … and was blown away! So many happy faces trying to clean their feet, what a joy! Did you see those goofy kids in the bathtube hanging their feet on the wall? Wow, if only I could look like that. haha

    • Makya McBee says:

      Nothing brings more joy than a clean foot…actually in the “As Seen on TV” products, nothing brings more joy than whatever is being advertised at that moment.

  4. Jenny says:

    Excuse the inappropriate placement of this comment but I was at a loss as to where to leave a general, love-your-blog comment. I have spent many happy moments pouring over your blog posts. Hilarious.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Jenny, thank you so much. If I were a little more popular I would create a space for people to specifically leave their general love-your-blog comments. I might just do it anyway. Yes, I think I will. Please check the top of the blog for the new page you have inspired.

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