Here’s the deal.   Last year, I wrote a non-fiction humor book.  I was fortunate enough to secure an agent for that book and she shopped it to various publishers.  They mostly responded with comments like, “This is hilarious…and who is Makya McBee?”  You see, the book shelves in the humor section are reserved for well-known comedians or collections from well-known websites.  And it soon became apparent that, unless I was to legally change my name to Jerry Seinfeld, my book was not going to get published. 

      So, after a brief hiatus, I’ve returned to the internet to make myself famous.  My first task was to determine the minimum level of fame necessary to get a book published.  And the answer is – Patton Oswalt.  If you were to poll one hundred random Americans, just enough of them would know who Patton Oswalt is…he’s got the exact minimum Q-score to publish.  And, sure enough, his first non-fiction humor book just hit the shelves.  So, my personal challenge is to make myself as well-known as Mr. Oswalt.

Portrait of Patton Oswalt, Comedian

Image via Wikipedia

     But, as I began my research, I noticed something.  Patton graduated with an English degree from the College of William and Mary in 1991.  One year later, I arrived at the College of William and Mary and went on to receive my degree in English.  After Patton moved to LA to write and perform comedy, I headed west.  I think you know where this is going.  That’s right.  Patton Oswalt is me with a five-year head start.  Obviously, it’s easier to become famous when you’ve got that kind of a lead.  If I had been the one who got out of the blocks first, I would have rubbed elbows with Kevin James, voiced an animated gourmet rat, and would have done whatever it is the third thing is that Patton Oswalt has done.  Sure, there’s an outside chance that he’s got more skill and a better work ethic, but I’m pretty sure it’s the head start.

    So, exactly how well-known is Patton Oswalt?  There’s only one way to measure that in the year 2011 – if you enter “Patton Oswalt” into Google, you’ll get about 840,000 results.  And, as of March 6th, “Makya McBee” returns 560 results.  (See what five years will get you?)  So, I’ve got a little work to do.  I’m about 839,500 Google results short of getting published. 

    But there’s some good news.  I’m well ahead of “disturbing pita” (3 results), “flannel bowling ball” (5 results) and “nostril parade” (31 results).  I’ve even edged out “Amish chat room” (334 results), “famous haberdasher” (363 results) and “bloated porpoise” (420 results).  Unfortunately, I have yet to catch up with “Des Moines is awesome” (878 results), “conscientious plumber” (1,160 results) and “what’s with all the quotation marks” (1,660 resulsts). 

    I plan to use this blog to accomplish two things: take on the hot topic issues of the day, mano a mano, and increase my number of Google results until I am famous enough to get my book published.  If you want to help, recommend my blog to a friend, drop my name about the internet, or, better yet, do some computer hacking thingy where each “Patton Oswalt” on the internet is replaced with “Makya McBee.”  Yeah, forget the first two, if someone could just take care of that last one, we could knock this sucker out real quick.

    So, how am I going to do it?  How will I defeat this harbinger of mirth in the ultimate Google-off?  I’ll create quality content that will generate enthusiastic word of mouth and drive traffic to this site….no, just kidding, I’ll just keep writing this blog.  But I will, like a stealthy possum, track Oswalt’s every virtual move.  I’ll learn his secrets and use them against him.  Ninja-style, I’ll lurk in the shadows and when he least expects it (which, really, could be any time because he has no idea who I am or that I’m doing this), I’ll spring forth with 840,001 Google results.  Oh, yes, sweet, sweet victory.

    Please understand, even though I’ve chosen him as the subject matter of my first blog and, thus, as my first opponent, I have nothing against Patton.  He seems like a very pleasant fellow.  It’s not his fault that he was born five years before me and thus has gotten everything in the world that I deserve.  There’s probably some guy five years younger than me who longs to be a struggling copywriter with a one-bedroom apartment in Santa Monica and a Kia – sorry buddy, that dream is taken.

        Anyway, welcome to my new blog.  I hope you like it.  I hope you come back.  I hope it strikes a nerve.  And I hope that my future topics will continue to resonate.  I’ll do my best to answer the burning questions of our modern world – How should we define ourselves in this age of social media? What changes are necessary to secure the future our children deserve?  And how is it possible that there are 31 Google results for “nostril parade”?

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Comments
  1. Heather says:

    I think Patton Oswalt, or whoever this guy is (ok, I actually have heard of him, but I’m trying to be sympathetic to you Makya)whoever this…this fiend is, stole your identity. He is now reaping the joys and benefits that you should be getting…probably living in some gorgeous Beverly Hills mansion. I’m sure having amazing parties where the likes of Hugh Hefner to Beyonce are having the time of their lives. Has his own personal Safari on his property with a pet giraffe named Artie. Plays a game of Squash whenever & with whomever he likes. Gets into his jet & flies to exotic locations like Calgary, Canada. This man is despicable and shall be stopped. I am with you in your quest to totally crush his Google hits. You had me at Ninja-style…you go Makya. I only wish I had some sort of inspirational music playing in the background for you right now. Maybe something along the lines of “Eye of the Tiger” or “We Will Rock You” but I don’t. Sorry…I will insert a sad frowny face for you 😦
    Heather

    • Makya McBee says:

      Thank you very much for your support. But it’s not about crushing him, there’s plenty of room for both myself and Patton in Calgary. And don’t fret, I always have “Eye of the Tiger” playing on a loop in my apartment to keep me motivated. Google domination, here I come.

  2. Kestrel Blue Kerl says:

    Makya over Patton any day and everyday!! I think creating a blog is a terrific idea! you’ll be famous in no time, then you’ll get your book published! TEAM MAKYA!! 🙂

  3. Heather says:

    Cool! I am definately TEAM MAKYA! I shall go work on choreographing an interpretive dance. We will blow Patton Oswalt out of the water. Not sure what he is doing in the water, but we can do this!

  4. Josha says:

    I am also interested in this team makya.
    are there tryouts?
    we don’t have to get in that before mentioned water do we? I’m not necessarily against getting in the water, but i’m not a great swimmer, and i’m not a fan of overly cold water.
    so… let me know!

    also, i just googled “Makya McBee” and got 1120 results, double what you got a mere 15 days ago. keep this up and you will surpass mr. oswalt in as little as 134 days!,
    it occurs to me that this increase in hits may be more related to the start of this blog, so perhaps a better idea is to start 134 more blogs.
    just some ideas.

    • Makya McBee says:

      There are no tryouts. You join Team Makya much in the same way that people joined Team Coco – by saying, “Hey, I’m with Team Coco.” (Or, if you’re looking for a phrase that would cover us both, “I’m pro tall, goofy guy.”)
      Tremendous news on my Google hits – I will post monthly updates as I gain on Oswalt.
      And good suggestion – I’ll start the 134 other blogs tomorrow.

  5. heathersnyder1 says:

    I have also been promoting. I’ve been writing your web URL on every bathroom stall everywhere I travel for my job. So I write: “FOR A GOOD TIME GOOGLE https://makyamcbee.wordpress.com/2011/03/10/pattonoswalt/ “. So far it is on the door of a Ladie’s Room in Nino’s Pizza, Callao, VA. Don’t worry its a very happening town, I think, lots and lots of people here. Population is in the double digits, I’m sure of it. So, 1 bathroom stall down, thousands and thousands more to go in the U.S. alone. That is just the Ladie’s Room. I haven’t even gotten to sneak into the Men’s Room. Spreading like wildfire.

    • Makya McBee says:

      So that’s why I just got sent the key to the city of Callao…I’ve suddenly become very popular there. Many thanks.

      • heathersnyder1 says:

        Yes, you are welcome. The city of Callao will probably have a Makya McBee Day soon…I’m sure of it. Can you make balloon animals?

  6. JamesSnyder1 says:

    This is hilarious!!! I love reading these blog posts on the way to work every morning.

  7. I love this blog! May you always get 1 more Google hit than Patton Oswalt ever will in his whole lifetime of Google hit-dom.

  8. Add one more to TEAM MAKYA! This blog is great.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Thank you so much – I think we almost have enough players to take the field.

      • That’s good! But, I hope this Google battle has no bloodshed involved. I faint at the sight of blood. Just letting you know. Other than that I’m good to go with the battle. Oh and I really don’t like swords, heavy suits of armor, stinky horses, weird medieval torture devices. Yep, I think that covers it.

      • Makya McBee says:

        Who does like weird medieval torture devices? They’re just no fun at all.

  9. Jennifer says:

    I am joining, too. I could be a Mascot, preferrably not a weak one 🙂

    • Makya McBee says:

      Nice. Synthesis.
      Thank you.

      • Jennifer says:

        A dragon mascot will put fear in Patton Oswalt eyes. Not really sure about dragon mascots, but dragons breathe fire & that’s super cool.

      • Makya McBee says:

        If I could breathe fire I think I’d constantly worry about burning my tongue or lips. I guess if you can breathe fire you automatically have a fire proof face? Seems ridiculous. I mean, fire breathing…that I can understand. But a magic tongue that is immune to flames? Get real.

  10. CrystalDodd says:

    I’ll be on TEAM MAKYA! I love this blog! Very funny. Good luck in the Patton Oswalt Google-off 🙂

  11. RogerWaite says:

    Sign me up!

    I will spread the word. Good luck.

  12. Outlier Babe says:

    Look how good I am, startin’ from the start. (Has nothin’ to do with good–we Aspies can be a mite compulsive.) And damn you to hell–you were funny from your very first post! (Whoops..a little bit of my envy just leaked out my fingers–sorry about that…)

    ‘Kay, won’t clog up any more posts with comments, but just assume I’m here or there, giggling away. Please don’t assume any unladylike snorting or cackling, mouth wide and all dental work in evidence, because that would be just too ugly.

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