Here’s the deal. Last year, I wrote a non-fiction humor book. I was fortunate enough to secure an agent for that book and she shopped it to various publishers. They mostly responded with comments like, “This is hilarious…and who is Makya McBee?” You see, the book shelves in the humor section are reserved for well-known comedians or collections from well-known websites. And it soon became apparent that, unless I was to legally change my name to Jerry Seinfeld, my book was not going to get published.
So, after a brief hiatus, I’ve returned to the internet to make myself famous. My first task was to determine the minimum level of fame necessary to get a book published. And the answer is – Patton Oswalt. If you were to poll one hundred random Americans, just enough of them would know who Patton Oswalt is…he’s got the exact minimum Q-score to publish. And, sure enough, his first non-fiction humor book just hit the shelves. So, my personal challenge is to make myself as well-known as Mr. Oswalt.
But, as I began my research, I noticed something. Patton graduated with an English degree from the College of William and Mary in 1991. One year later, I arrived at the College of William and Mary and went on to receive my degree in English. After Patton moved to LA to write and perform comedy, I headed west. I think you know where this is going. That’s right. Patton Oswalt is me with a five-year head start. Obviously, it’s easier to become famous when you’ve got that kind of a lead. If I had been the one who got out of the blocks first, I would have rubbed elbows with Kevin James, voiced an animated gourmet rat, and would have done whatever it is the third thing is that Patton Oswalt has done. Sure, there’s an outside chance that he’s got more skill and a better work ethic, but I’m pretty sure it’s the head start.
So, exactly how well-known is Patton Oswalt? There’s only one way to measure that in the year 2011 – if you enter “Patton Oswalt” into Google, you’ll get about 840,000 results. And, as of March 6th, “Makya McBee” returns 560 results. (See what five years will get you?) So, I’ve got a little work to do. I’m about 839,500 Google results short of getting published.
But there’s some good news. I’m well ahead of “disturbing pita” (3 results), “flannel bowling ball” (5 results) and “nostril parade” (31 results). I’ve even edged out “Amish chat room” (334 results), “famous haberdasher” (363 results) and “bloated porpoise” (420 results). Unfortunately, I have yet to catch up with “Des Moines is awesome” (878 results), “conscientious plumber” (1,160 results) and “what’s with all the quotation marks” (1,660 resulsts).
I plan to use this blog to accomplish two things: take on the hot topic issues of the day, mano a mano, and increase my number of Google results until I am famous enough to get my book published. If you want to help, recommend my blog to a friend, drop my name about the internet, or, better yet, do some computer hacking thingy where each “Patton Oswalt” on the internet is replaced with “Makya McBee.” Yeah, forget the first two, if someone could just take care of that last one, we could knock this sucker out real quick.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I defeat this harbinger of mirth in the ultimate Google-off? I’ll create quality content that will generate enthusiastic word of mouth and drive traffic to this site….no, just kidding, I’ll just keep writing this blog. But I will, like a stealthy possum, track Oswalt’s every virtual move. I’ll learn his secrets and use them against him. Ninja-style, I’ll lurk in the shadows and when he least expects it (which, really, could be any time because he has no idea who I am or that I’m doing this), I’ll spring forth with 840,001 Google results. Oh, yes, sweet, sweet victory.
Please understand, even though I’ve chosen him as the subject matter of my first blog and, thus, as my first opponent, I have nothing against Patton. He seems like a very pleasant fellow. It’s not his fault that he was born five years before me and thus has gotten everything in the world that I deserve. There’s probably some guy five years younger than me who longs to be a struggling copywriter with a one-bedroom apartment in Santa Monica and a Kia – sorry buddy, that dream is taken.
Anyway, welcome to my new blog. I hope you like it. I hope you come back. I hope it strikes a nerve. And I hope that my future topics will continue to resonate. I’ll do my best to answer the burning questions of our modern world – How should we define ourselves in this age of social media? What changes are necessary to secure the future our children deserve? And how is it possible that there are 31 Google results for “nostril parade”?