Here’s the deal. I don’t like turtlenecks. I find them very constricting. For the same reason, I don’t wear rings, or watches, or bind myself with rubber bands. I like elastic, shoes that are one size too big and any piece of clothing that flows. One of my favorite stand-up comics and fellow turtleneckaphobe may have put it best…
“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day long,” Mitch Hedberg.
I also don’t much care for the way they look. If you wear a turtleneck it looks like a fabric python is swallowing you whole and only your cranium remains undigested. I will say that the turtleneck looks better on women than men…but, then again, what doesn’t? (How is it fair that women look better in both their clothes and ours? It’s very discouraging).
And how is it that turtlenecks have remained popular lo these many years? We’re talking about an article of clothing that blatantly tries to make you look more like a turtle. When, in the history of humanity, has one human being ever turned to another and said, “I wish I looked more like a turtle…specifically in the neck area.”
Plus, I can’t quite get away from the image that a turtleneck wearer projects. Especially the hefty, turtleneck sweaters. I just feel like that guy is about to stir his hot cider with a stick of cinnamon, turn up the jazz fusion, aimlessly adjust the logs in the fire, and note how a couple of throw pillows might really brighten up the cabin.
I mean, there is such a thing as too cozy.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I defeat this confounding, confining clothing? One word – scissors.
Maybe I can even make some money off the deal. Leg warmers were all the rage in the 80’s. Maybe if I start severing every turtleneck I encounter, I can sell the remnants as neck warmers. This could be big. Snuggie big. Of course, my neck warmers will be just as choking as they were when attached to the sweater. But at least this way I can make a buck. Heck, if everyone else secretly wants to look more like our reptilian friends, maybe I’ll even expand my business…
Terrapinstripe suit, anyone?