39 DAY UPDATE

Here’s the deal.  It was 39 days ago that I put up my first post and this blog was born.  So I figured it’s about time for a casual stroll over Remembrance Street, past Recall Cul de Sac and down Memory Lane.  It’s time to see what we’ve accomplished.  Where we stand.

I did some research on all of the topics I’ve covered so far, and you’ll be glad to know that we’re changing the world here.

Firstly, I found a discussion on ESPN last week about giving 110 percent.  Athletes offered their definitions of this mathematically illogical cliché…

“Giving 110% is finding the energy you don’t even have to finish the game strong.”  I love this quote.  It’s supposed to be inspirational, but it’s just doubly silly instead.  Finding the energy you don’t even have?  That is, I suppose, the exact type of energy you’ll need to give 110 percent.  I want you guys to go out there and give more than you can with that which you don’t have. 

“It means you are willing to go the extra mile.”  I never understood the point of this one either.  And he’s set a new world record in the Boston Marathon…and, would you look at that, he just keeps on running…that’s really going the extra mile.  Aren’t there enough “miles” in life already?  Do we really need to add more?

Image via Wikipedia

 “When you give 110% you don’t do it for yourself, you do it for your teammates and your fans. The first 100% is for you, but the extra 10% is for others.”  This sounds good when you word it that way.  But what if you left out the part that’s for yourself.  I love the fans.  And tonight I’m going to give them ten percent.  That’s low even by my standards.

But this blog is a powerful thing.  We must be careful.  Some of the topics I challenge here are clearly looking for revenge.

For example, this news article from last Friday discusses a shutdown of part of Santa Monica Beach because a grenade simulator was found in the sand.  Coincidence?  I think not.  I spend an entire blog demonstrating why sand should be avoided, and a few days later, the sand closest to where I live is arming itself! 

But we also have success stories.  Makya McBee Vs. warned against Orange County based reality programming and…Bravo cancels The Real Housewives of DC.  That’s right people, we’re making a real difference.  One down, six to go.

And who can forget my diatribe against turtlenecks?  Well, shortly after that blog ran there was a bank robbery in Virginia Beach.  Here is the police description of the culprit, “The man is described as a white male in his mid-30’s, about 6 feet tall with a medium build. He had brown gelled hair and he was wearing a dark colored turtleneck sweatshirt, blue jeans and brown shoes.” 

I don’t blame the man.  I blame the turtleneck.  You think that turtlenecks everywhere don’t know that I grew up in Virginia?  That I attended the College of William and Mary, only miles from Virginia Beach?  They’re sending me a message.  And they’re getting me at both coasts, people.  The turtlenecks on the west are robbing banks to fund weapons purchasing for the sand where I live.  Is anyone truly safe?

As for my exposé on Google autocomplete, I’m not the only one who has it out for this service.  Just this past week, a court in Italy ruled against this internet convenience.  An Italian man entered his name into Google, and it was autocompleted with the phrases, “con man,” and “fraud.”  His libel suit was successful and Google will have to eliminate negative autocompletes in Italy.  Frankly, I’m getting a little nervous.  If Google, enraged by my writing, joins forces with the beaches and the turtlenecks…it would be like Sandman from Spiderman 3…wearing a turtleneck…heavily armed…and with the ability to search the internet.

A highly-intelligent, militarized, fashionable, beach-friendly Thomas Haden Church killing machine! 

Image via Wikipedia

But the news is not all dire.  I have another success story to share.  Remember my troubles with bananas ripening too quickly?  Believe it or not, the world is listening, and this problem has been solved.  A company in Holland has designed a new system for storing and ripening bananas using ultra low oxygen to keep the fruit from ripening too quickly.  And none of this would have been possible without us.

Lastly, there’s the blog entry that started this all – the Patton Oswalt Google-off.  I’m happy to report that I’m making my move.  Less than six weeks ago I had only 560 Google results.  Now, I have over 3,000.  As promised, I’ve been following my opponent around the internet, leaving a trail of Google hits for myself as I go.  I’ve joined Twitter just to follow Oswalt.  I even wrote to Jimmy Fallon’s show to ask if they’d have me on since they had Oswalt on.  It only seems fair.  They never got back to me.

So, that’s the update.  I want to thank everyone who has been reading and sharing this blog – now that you can see that we’re making a difference, I’m sure you’ll realize that, now more than ever, it is important that you tell everyone you know about this blog and link it round the world.  We have only begun to transform society, our voices must be heard. 

And speaking of our voice, I wanted to also take this opportunity to see if there were any suggestions for future topics.  Please use the comment section to tell me what you think I should take on next.  What irks you?  What needs to be said?  I’ll do my best to get to them all.

And stay alert people.  We’re in this together now.  So keep one eye on Google, one eye on the sand, and one eye on the turtlenecks.  That’s too many eyes, isn’t it?  (When it comes to optics, I give 150 percent).  We might have to use the buddy system.  Okay, everyone find a partner…good, now divide up the eyes as outlined above (the fourth eye can be used for daily activities, as needed). 

Look, no one ever said that changing the world would be easy, but we’re doing it folks.  Spread the word.  And I’ll get back to doing what I do best…as soon as I figure out what that is.

Vs. Sand

Image via Wikipedia

Here’s the deal.  I live less than three miles from the Pacific Ocean, and I haven’t walked on the beach in years.  Because of the sand.  Can you imagine how nice beaches would be if they didn’t have all that sand?  Not that I’m a big fan of the ocean either.  Come to think of it, my ideal beach wouldn’t have sand or water.  And it would have a roof, so you wouldn’t get sunburned.  Maybe air conditioning.  A nice comfortable place to sit.  A variety of food options.  I think my ideal beach is the food court at the mall.

The main reason I don’t like sand is that it gets everywhere.  You can take one, single step on to the beach, and you’ll have sand in your shoes, in your underwear, behind your ear – the stuff is like a magnet for human flesh.  Five minutes on the beach and I’m cleaning sand out of everything I own for the next three months.  Who needs it?

And who invented the sandbox?  Who’s idea of fun is that? 

“We need something else for our playground.”

“How about a box for the kids to sit in?”

“I don’t know, boxes aren’t that much fun.”

“Oh, what if we fill it with a loose, granular material?”

“You mean like a bunch of tiny rocks?”

“Bingo.”

Let me tell you, the sand does not make the box more attractive.  (I have boxes in my house and they’re all sand-free, just like I like them).  Playground sandboxes look like over-sized litter boxes and are probably about as sanitary. 

You want more evidence that sand is bad?  What about golfers?  There they are, enjoying themselves with a lovely round of golf.  When they see a perfectly raked area of sand.  Should they go in?  No!  It’s a trap!

And what about sand dollars?  Way over-valued.  They’re probably worth about sixteen cents.

Image via Wikipedia

 So, how am I going to do it?   How will I keep all sand that is not in wich form out of my life?  It’s impossible.  A few nights ago I went for a late night walk and meandered through the local playground – and the whole thing was one big sandbox.  One step and the sand actually leaped up off the ground and into my shoes.  I hate it when people cover entire playgrounds in sand.  I know it’s supposed to be for the safety of the children, but when you fall in sand, it still hurts.   Why not make the ground something cool, like bubble wrap or cotton candy?  Sand is just tiny, jagged rocks waiting to jump in your socks and scratch up your toes.  Oh, I can’t stand it.

So, I’m drawing a line in the…you know…and I’m declaring that I have no use for the stuff.  I prefer my paper smooth.  I’ll make my castles out of lollipops and dreams.  And, if you need me, I’ll be at the mall.