Here’s the deal. What’s so great about goats?
For those outraged readers who are, at this very moment, leaping from their recliners and shouting to no one in particular, “What the fiddlesticks!?! We need goats!” I humbly disagree. I mean, come on, we already have sheep.
And aren’t goats just the sheep family’s black sheep? A goat is like the twenty-two year old sheep who, trying to find himself, comes home from their sixth year of college sporting a goatee, shaggy hair, one too many body piercings and ready to butt heads with any and all authority figures. Settle down emo-goats, you’re not nearly as hip or original as you imagine.
Allow me to counter every pro argument for goats.
PRO – Goats are valued around the world for their milk, meat and hair.
CON – Goat hair? What the hell am I going to do with goat hair? Gross.
And that’s it. Those were all of the known pro-goat arguments.
Speaking of hair, did you know that both the male and female goat have beards…that’s just freaky.
Honestly, what is it that goats do exceptionally well? They’re coordinated and have great balance, which comes in handy…almost never, as they spend all of their time standing in remarkably flat fields grazing. Other than that…they’re known for eating almost anything. So is my Uncle Bobo. Big deal.
Goat lovers claim that they (the goats, not the lovers) are extremely curious and intelligent. Well answer me this – if they’re so smart, why did they choose to be goats?
Even history’s most famous goat isn’t really a goat. Pan is a well-known character from Greek mythology. You’d recognize him if you saw him. He has the lower body of a goat and the upper body of a cooking utensil.
Bottom line – everything goats do they do not as well as some other species. Rhinos laugh at goat’s sad little attempt at horns. Sheep baa their derision at goat’s attempt to create wool. Rams snort their disgust when goats butt heads as if they’re afraid they’re going to break a nail.
When people all over the globe enjoy their delicious stewed, baked, grilled, barbecued, or fried goat meat, each and every one of them are thinking to themselves, “I’m thoroughly enjoying my stewed, baked, grilled, barbecued, or fried goat meat…the only thing I’d enjoy more would be anything else.”
And what’s with the milk? Goats are all like, “Look at us, we’re making milk!” Uh, yeah, just like every other female mammal on the planet. Big whoop. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, goats, but not that many humans enjoy your milk. Only two percent of the world’s consumed milk comes from goats (95% comes from cows and the remaining 3% comes from Pamela Anderson).
And what do goats call their kids? They call them kids. Real creative, goat-jerks. Way to steal our name for our offspring. Think of original names for your young much?
And what the hell is a bleat?
I’m sorry. Deep breaths. I need to settle down. It’s just…I hate goats so much. No, no, it’s okay. I’m okay. I just need to relax…I’ll be fine…I’ll just slip on my comfy cashmere sweater and enjoy a scrumptious slice of feta.