Here’s the deal. I just returned from my weekly trip to Las Vegas. Sure, it’s a four hour drive, but the casinos are really hurting financially and I just want to do my fair share and chip in. Of course, we all know that Sin City has all of the drinking, gambling and adult entertainment a fellow can handle. But did you know that Las Vegas is the Women Walking Around Barefoot and Carrying High Heels Capital of the World?
That’s right, you can’t go five minutes in a casino without seeing a woman pass by shoeless…except for the heels she holds in her hands. They tend to travel in packs and it’s a phenomenon I simply don’t understand. Are they so proud of their footwear that they want to display them at a height nearer to eye level? Do these same women, not entirely clear on garment placement, spend hours trying to fit their feet into their gloves? Or (and I understand that this is clearly the most likely scenario) do they put on glamorous yet really uncomfortable shoes and walk around in them for about eight minutes before realizing that their glamorous shoes are really uncomfortable and would be equally glamorous and far more comfortable if they carried them around in their hands?
To further understand what’s going on here (and pad a content-lacking post) let’s take a look at the history of high heels. According to Wikipedia, “In ancient Egypt…murals dating from 3500 B.C. depict an early version of…both upper-class males and females wearing heels.” Wow. High heels have been around a long time. Then again, Wikipedia has also reported that David Beckham was an athlete…in China in the 18th century. They’ve claimed that Plato was a Hawaiian weatherman and surfer. And their site clearly states that Pauly Shore has starred in thirty-one movies….what? Pauly Shore has starred in thirty-one movies? Forget the women carrying around their shoes, this is the real problem.
Regardless of how many film sets Mr. Shore has snuck onto, and whether or not high heels are thousands of years old (and even if these murals depicted individuals walking like an Egyptian in high heels, I bet there’s a mural next to it that shows these same noblewoman, drink in hand, trudging through the Luxor carrying those shoes on her way to the next slot machine) we have a real issue to address with these unshod gamblers.
I don’t understand why these women can’t keep their shoes on. With the exception of foot pain, increased likelihood of sprains and fractures, an unsteady gait, stress on the knee joint, a shortened Achilles tendon, lower back pain, blisters, bunions, hammer toes, corns, and plantar fasciitis, high heels are the best.
Really, women of Las Vegas, you need to make a choice here. Because, believe me, those casino floors you’re walking across barefoot aren’t nearly as clean as you might imagine. Unless you want what happens in Vegas to stay on your feet, we’ve got some tough decisions to make. Comfort or style. Because walking barefoot and inebriated whilst carrying your heels doesn’t look as good as you’re imagining it. I suggest you pick some shoes that you can wear for more than half an hour.
Or start wearing really uncomfortable shirts.