Here’s the deal. Ever since I moved out from under that rock, I have been aware of the Angry Birds phenomenon. But, as enticing as the premise sounded, I managed to go nearly three years without once playing this game. And then I got my first iPhone. And then I downloaded Angry Birds. And I haven’t stopped playing since.
For example, earlier I sat down to brainstorm a topic to versus…but nary a droplet formed. So I decided to take a ten minute Angry Birds break. That was three and a half hours ago.
I have a problem.
Hello, my name is Makya McBee and I have Anger management issues (get it? Angry Birds? Managing the amount of time I spend playing? It’s funny, right? Or should I have just gone with, “I’m a birdaholic.”)
But I do have a problem. And I’m not alone. Over one billion downloads? How is that possible? Who knew that the world was just itching for the chance to slingshot inexplicably flightless birds at rotund, green, sometimes mustached, egg-thieving pigs that are holed up in a series of simplistic yet remarkably solid stone, glass and wooden structures? How do you pitch that game?
“Hey, guys, you know how helmet-wearing hogs are always stealing your eggs?”
“Um…no…and who let you in here?”
But it works. Damn if it doesn’t work like sweet, sweet Finnish magic. That’s right, Rovio is Finnish for, “That will be another ninety nine cents, please.” Turns out the game was developed in Espoo, Finland. And, no, that is not a lame attempt at scatological humor…the city is really called Espoo. So we’re not even wasting endless hours playing an American app. Those gosh-darned Nordic programmers are taking our pointless video game making jobs and, to add insult to injury, they made a game so ridiculously addictive that we now don’t even have time to look for new jobs because we can’t stop playing.
Angry Birds is destroying our world one golden egg at a time. Imagine if we could harness even half the energy we dedicate to seeking revenge on those swindling swine and use it to develop…oh, I don’t know…I can’t stop thinking about how to get Matilda to drop her egg bomb on to that stack of dynamite. Yes, I know the bird’s names. Like I said, I have a problem.
So I’m taking a stand against my furious feathered friends. I’m tired of lying to those closest to me and sneaking out for one more sling. I need an app cap. I need to set limits. I need to take my life back.
Right after I figure out how to get three stars on level twelve of Mine and Dine.