Here’s the deal. For a “true love” these sure are a bunch of lousy gifts…
Twelve drummers drumming. Remember last March when we were downtown and I turned to you and said, “You know what would make an awesome Christmas present? A dozen drummers.” No? You don’t remember me saying that? Maybe it’s because I never did.
Eleven pipers piping. Really? As if the twelve-pack of little drummer boys weren’t loud enough. Believe me, no one ever in the history of the world said, “Bring me eleven pipers.” Nobody needs eleven pipers. Nobody wants eleven pipers. You’re making my aunt’s fruit cake look good.
Ten lords a-leaping. I have no idea what this one’s about. Ten dudes just jumping around my apartment? This is a present? Okay, Sir Hops A Lot, you and Kriss Kross can bound on over to the door and let yourselves out.
Nine ladies dancing. Okay…maybe I could get behind this one.
Eight maids a-milking. I probably enjoy cereal more than the average adult, but let’s not forget that the gift of eight maids a-milking also comes with eight cows a-being milked. And I can a-ssure you that there’s not any a-room at my a-place for that much a-livestock and that I don’t want to be the one to a-clean up after them.
Seven swans a-swimming. Swimming where? I don’t have a lake. Are you going to put them in the bathtub? Well that’s just fantastic. Thank you so much for the seven waterfowl. Maybe the smell of swan dung in the bathroom will overwhelm the stench of cow manure coming from the living room.
Six geese a-laying. Geese? How did you know? It’s just what I needed. Sure, I’ve already got a bathtub full of swans, but everyone knows that geese are way different than swans. For example, swans have a slightly longer neck, broader wing span and are only partially migratory, while geese are fully migratory. So this will be a real unique item for me. Thank you so much. And I just love the fact that you specifically trained the geese to lay eggs right as you give them to me. Or are they somehow perpetually laying eggs? Or do you mean that they’re just lazy, as in six geese a-laying around the house? Or is it lying around the house? Because it’s a known fact that only a select few know the difference between a goose and a swan and absolutely nobody knows the difference between lying and laying. If anybody tells you that they do know the difference they’re lying (or laying).
Five golden rings. Now we’re talking. One good gift after seven days of crap. Given the ever-increasing value of gold, this almost makes up for those ten freaks that won’t stop jumping up and down on my couch.
Four calling birds. What’s with the birds? Swans, geese, and now this? When I said I liked Big Bird growing up I think you took it the wrong way. Let me make this really simple. I don’t want any Christmas gifts that have wings.
Three French hens. Damn it! No more birds!
Two turtle doves. What the hell is a turtle dove? I know what a turtle is and I know what a dove is, but you can’t just put any two animals together. You can’t go to the pet store and ask for an alligator cat or a camel hamster. Seriously. There’s no such thing as a turtle dove.
And a partridge in a pear tree. Even if you’re talking about Danny Bonaduce I’m not interested. I’m sorry, that last sentence should have read, “Especially if you’re talking about Danny Bonaduce I’m not interested.”
Do you have any idea what my apartment would look like after this two-week gift giving spree? I’ve got a twenty-three person, two-instrument band in the corner with a royal mosh pit of hopped up lords vaulting about with nine broads. An octet of cleaning ladies have turned the living room into a freakin’ dairy farm. And the rest of the apartment is blanketed in feathers and bird crap as swans, geese, hens, doves and other assorted flying creatures jockey for position around the pear tree in the bedroom. I know you’re my true love and whatnot, but this is all a little overwhelming. I’ll take the gold rings and a couple of the dancing ladies and you can send everything else back.
And I think we should see other people.