Here’s the deal. Every 39 to 347 days, like clockwork I provide the dedicated readers reader of my blog with an update as to how my writing is shaping our lives. A review of how my insight helps make all of us better. A list of random articles that are tangentially related to things I prattle on about.
For those of you who have not been here since the beginning, this whole thing started as an attempt to achieve Patton Oswalt level fame and become a published author. On day 1 of this blog, when you entered my name into Google, no results came up, just the word, “What?” Today, when you enter my name into Google, you get 307,000,000 results (at least, that’s what I got when I just searched for…Tom Cruise –makyamcbee).
So, apparently, I am a huge success.
But perhaps the best way to judge the accurate level of my awesomeness is to see how my words have changed our world…
Back in May, I (not unlike Selena Gomez when she took Bieber off the market) disappointed eleven year old girls around the world when I versused unicorns. But it had to be done. Unicorns are ridiculous. And now, they’re destroying our pop stars! According to this article, national treasure Miley Cyrus recently updated her twitter account with a picture of her wearing a huge, unicorn head. Let’s, for the time being, set aside the fact that the former Hannah Montana is hunting and beheading mythical beasts in her spare time…wow, that’s a pretty strange thing to set aside…I don’t know if that’s setasidable. Regardless, we simply cannot afford to have our nation’s daughters of our Achy, Breaky Heartsingers morphing into fictional, horned horses. If for no other reason, it just sounds silly.
Next, I have to issue a rare, formal Makya McBee Vs. apology. Earlier this year (and having never seen the film myself) I gave a complete plot summary of Piranha 3DD. The movie went on to open over the summer and rake in a total of $376,512 in U.S. theaters. Given its approximated budget of twenty million dollars, that gives this horror flick an impressive profit of negative $19,624,488. And I blame myself. Had I not played the role of spoiler to my seven plus readers, that movie could have grossed another fifty or sixty bucks. If only I’d known. (But, in some ways, I did know…a quick check of some reviews by people who actually saw the film proved my predictions to be pretty accurate). Nonetheless, stay tuned for my future pre-reviews of Piranha 4 Wheel Drive (in which theses deadly fish mutate, gain the ability to operate motor vehicles, and race Vin Diesel around the world), Piranha 5-and-Dime (the piranhas time travel back to the 1950’s and terrorize a bunch of innocent shoppers), Piranha 6 Pack (in the franchise’s first comedy, the fish head to spring break in a last ditch effort to lose their virginity), Piranha 7 Year Itch (a remake of the Marilyn Monroe movie, starring aquatic life in all of the lead roles) and Piranha 8 Maids a Milking (destined to become a terrifying holiday classic).
Lastly, we go way back to November 2011 when I rallied the troops against confusing vanity license plates. And, sure enough, these plates have continued to cause trouble ever since. The most entertaining story I found on vanity plates was about an unfortunate man who purchased a plate that read, “XXXXXXX.” Why is he unfortunate? Well, it turns out that when his city police force locates illegally parked cars without license plates they designate this in their computer with a series of seven x’s. That’s right, he ended up receiving every single parking ticket for cars without plates…getting up to ten tickets per day in the mail. That’ll teach you to try and express yourself via your vehicles bumper. Another story details an armed home robbery in which the thieves held up an innocent family and then sped away in their car…featuring a personalized plate. Who knows if the traumatized family would have been in a state of mind to recall a random series of letters and numbers, but how could they forget when the car drove away with the plate, “JST RBD U.” (Okay, I made the plate up, but the rest of the story is true).
As you can see, this blog continues to be a mover and/or shaker and an active voice in our global community. And, together, we can continue to transform our world into a magical place where no one wears flip-flops, everyone takes naps, and the elimination of all of the ridiculous little things that irk me are job one. Okay, ready? Everybody put on your unicorn heads…let’s do this thing.