I’m Pro Traditional Peanut Butter

Here’s the deal. I started this blog back in 1977, and in the many decades I’ve been erupting truth on to the internet like an infallible Old Faithful, never have I met as much resistance as with my last blog post. How is it that everyone I know and everyone who reads this blog only eats crunchy peanut butter? How is that possible?

I’ve received hate mail. My phone rings and when I answer I only hear a crunching sound and then they hang up. The chunk cartel has threatened numerous lawsuits. My senator has appealed to me to retract my statements.

In the comments section, jefferree said, “Why would you take the crunch out of anything?” For the same reason I’d take the extra letters out of my name, it’s unwanted and unneeded. His crunchy peanut butter induced rant continued, “Everything’s better with nuts in it.” Really? Really jjjjjjeff? What about your shoes? Would you be more comfortable walking around with a sneaker full of almonds? How about a swimming pool? How would filling our swimming pools with hazelnuts help anybody? Would Phelps have ever made the record if he’d tried to learn to swim in that nutty mess? I think not, my unpatriotic friend, I think not.

And I will not retract my statements.

I’ve never been one to cave to peer pressure (except for that one time my friend pressured me into spelunking…get it? “Cave” to peer pressure. I’m freakin’ hilarious). I remember back in high school I was sent to the principal’s office for refusing to do a maze in government class.

Allow me to explain.

You’re getting very sleepy…

We had a teacher whose name I’ve long since forgotten. He looked like an elderly Bilbo Baggins and he “taught” government. On this day, he took out some broccoli shaped mazes and handed them out, then pulled his pillow out of his desk (I am not making this up, the man kept a pillow in his desk drawer so he could nap during class time) and prepared for slumber. I took my maze up to him and asked why we were doing such a pointless exercise. He told me to return to my seat and complete said pointless exercise without questioning the pointlessness of it all. I pointed out that he could of, at the least, found a government-themed maze (help the freshman senator find his way to the special interest lobbyist bribes). He pointed me in the direction of the principal’s office.Even after I informed our fearless leader about the nap-prone instructor, he asked me to apologize to him. I, being a teenager of great principle when it came to facing principals regarding vegetable related mazes, politely declined.

And I find myself, today, once again, politely declining.

I politely decline to go along with this crunchy peanut butter mob mentality. Nuts, in fact, make very few things better. You know the only way walnuts could taste any better? If they didn’t have any walnuts in them. I don’t want nuts in my cookies or brownies or on my ice cream, all they do is get in the way of my dessert. And nothing…nothing…gets in the way of my dessert.

All of you who are nutty for nuts can keep your crunch to yourselves. At the end of the day, a man’s gotta stand for something. And, in this day and age, I can think of absolutely nothing more important than advocating a traditional, smooth, creamy spread.

I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say, “We know better than you as to what constitutes peanut butter.”