I’m Pro Traditional Peanut Butter

Posted: August 2, 2012 in Food
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Here’s the deal. I started this blog back in 1977, and in the many decades I’ve been erupting truth on to the internet like an infallible Old Faithful, never have I met as much resistance as with my last blog post. How is it that everyone I know and everyone who reads this blog only eats crunchy peanut butter? How is that possible?

I’ve received hate mail. My phone rings and when I answer I only hear a crunching sound and then they hang up. The chunk cartel has threatened numerous lawsuits. My senator has appealed to me to retract my statements.

In the comments section, jefferree said, “Why would you take the crunch out of anything?” For the same reason I’d take the extra letters out of my name, it’s unwanted and unneeded. His crunchy peanut butter induced rant continued, “Everything’s better with nuts in it.” Really? Really jjjjjjeff? What about your shoes? Would you be more comfortable walking around with a sneaker full of almonds? How about a swimming pool? How would filling our swimming pools with hazelnuts help anybody? Would Phelps have ever made the record if he’d tried to learn to swim in that nutty mess? I think not, my unpatriotic friend, I think not.

And I will not retract my statements.

I’ve never been one to cave to peer pressure (except for that one time my friend pressured me into spelunking…get it? “Cave” to peer pressure. I’m freakin’ hilarious). I remember back in high school I was sent to the principal’s office for refusing to do a maze in government class.

Allow me to explain.

Ian Holm as Bilbo Baggins in Peter Jackson's T...

You’re getting very sleepy…

We had a teacher whose name I’ve long since forgotten. He looked like an elderly Bilbo Baggins and he “taught” government. On this day, he took out some broccoli shaped mazes and handed them out, then pulled his pillow out of his desk (I am not making this up, the man kept a pillow in his desk drawer so he could nap during class time) and prepared for slumber. I took my maze up to him and asked why we were doing such a pointless exercise. He told me to return to my seat and complete said pointless exercise without questioning the pointlessness of it all. I pointed out that he could of, at the least, found a government-themed maze (help the freshman senator find his way to the special interest lobbyist bribes). He pointed me in the direction of the principal’s office.Even after I informed our fearless leader about the nap-prone instructor, he asked me to apologize to him. I, being a teenager of great principle when it came to facing principals regarding vegetable related mazes, politely declined.

And I find myself, today, once again, politely declining.

I politely decline to go along with this crunchy peanut butter mob mentality. Nuts, in fact, make very few things better. You know the only way walnuts could taste any better? If they didn’t have any walnuts in them. I don’t want nuts in my cookies or brownies or on my ice cream, all they do is get in the way of my dessert. And nothing…nothing…gets in the way of my dessert.

All of you who are nutty for nuts can keep your crunch to yourselves. At the end of the day, a man’s gotta stand for something. And, in this day and age, I can think of absolutely nothing more important than advocating a traditional, smooth, creamy spread.

I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say, “We know better than you as to what constitutes peanut butter.”

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Comments
  1. speaker7 says:

    Sorry I didn’t comment last post. I should have stuck by you because I am also a lover of creamy and a hater of crunchy. But I was afraid that I would be shunned for my beliefs. I don’t know if society is ready to accept us just yet.

  2. Michael Phelps would have broken every single world swimming record if he had learned to swim in a pool full of nuts. Imagine the strength he would have built working against such resistance. If he hadn’t sunk to the bottom and suffocated, of course.

  3. jud says:

    bravo for your stance, correct or not.

    btw – 1977??? i assume you have paper records of the days before the Internets…

  4. sj says:

    I hate crunchy peanut butter, but am pro-dessert nuts. Sorry.

  5. jefferree says:

    As I enjoy a late evening snack of a very tasty Super Chunk Peanut Butter and honey sandwich on yummy and extremely crunchy Health Nut nutty bread, I’m left with a strange sense of pathos while reading your latest entry. And not just regarding you and the loss you must be experiencing without the rounding out of some of the best food food has to offer, but also for those souls still trying to find their way to happy food yet who, unfortunately, are following and blindly agreeing to your non-nutty ways.

    If my guess is correct, you’re one of those people who orders your hamburgers plain with just the meat and the bun, whose pizza tastes are narrowed to cheese only, who leaves off any extras on your baked potato, and who prefers no frills if a vacation ever comes your way. Follow the light, McBee! Take the path from death to life and add crunch to your existence!

    And please, please, please keep writing and adding fun to our otherwise creamy existence! ;-)

    Btw, I made the mistake of allowing my wife to read your two latest entries and she, too, has drunk the koolaid of the kult of krunch haters.

    Thanks for making me clear space for TWO jars of pb in my cupboard.

  6. heathersnyder1 says:

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m sticking to my crunchy. I have rights you know. What can I say, I love nuts…ok, not Brazil nuts, those are nasty.

    • Makya McBee says:

      Speaker – I understand the constant shame of living under the creamy stigma…we must stand hand in hand (but first we must wash up after eating our creamy peanut butter sandwiches).

      Becoming – You said it…Olympic hero perishes in tragic nut accident…do you want that on your conscience, crunch lover?

      Jud – Two comments now from this woodworker extraordinaire? (Need something made out of wood, click on this guy’s name…correct of not as he may be about peanut butter).

      SJ – That’s okay. You’re with me where it counts. I choose to see the peanut butter jar as half full in this case.

      Jef- Yes, I like my food like I like my White T’s – plain. Wanna fight about it? By the way, nice to see that you’re allowing your wife to read again (you crunchers are such control freaks) and that she is on the correct side of this heated debate.

      Pretty – AHHHH! It was you?!? (The wedding’s off).

      Heather – It doesn’t matter how many times you say it, or how hard it is to understand you saying it with your mouth full of crunchy peanut butter. Yes, you have rights…the right to remain silent about why you prefer the wrong peanut butter.

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