Vs. Bed, Bath & Beyond, Round Three

Here’s the deal. I give up. Karma is a no go. I’ve had a number of career and other opportunities this past month and not a one has come to fruition. I’ve had much more disappointment in my life since I started trying to be positive. And yesterday was the last straw…another Bed, Bath & Beyond catalog arrived in the mail.

Back when this blog was just a toddler, I twice versused the folks at Bed, Bath & Beyond (here and here) because of their useless products. And yet they continue to taunt me with their high-production value, full-color catalogs. If that’s how you want it, triple B, I’m game. If the world wants me to revert to complaining about what’s wrong with it…who am I to say no?

It’s versus time.

Let’s start with this lovely product – the Kan Jam.

They call it “the ultimate disk game.” I call it some guy throwing his Frisbee away. Seriously, this is forty bucks for a cheap, plastic trash can. This isn’t a game, it’s taking out the garbage. I wonder if they make specialized trash cans where I can discard the other items I buy at their store.

Next, let’s take a look at this gem, it’s Fridge Binz!

These plastic trays are designed to “maximize refrigerator space.” Yes, just imagine trying to store those six yogurt containers without the bin…it would take up the exact same amount of space…minus, of course, the space taken up by the bin itself. Explain again how something that takes up additional space is going to save you space? Just look at the picture. This product is truly and absolutely serving no purpose whatsoever. Buy Fridge Binz! – It will…sit there.

And, for just $8.99, you can head on down to Bed and the other two and pick yourself up a nice, new “fingertip towel.” If you’re like me, every time you finish drying your hands you’re overcome with frustration at how you simply can’t get your fingertips dry. Sure my palms are arid as a desert, but my fingertips are dripping wet! The new fingertip towel, it’s like a hand towel, only smaller, and much more useless.

Oh, no, not this, it’s a hanging flip flop organizer.

Who has this many pairs of flip flops? Who?!? Nobody. NOBODY needs a different pair of flip flops for each day of the week. Even if there were a flip flop ambassador, he could get away with, say, three pairs. Imelda Marcos owned nearly three thousand pairs of shoes and she didn’t have this many flip flops. If you have so many pairs of flip flops that they need to be organized…then you are fictional. Nobody likes flip flops this much. It’s not human. I believe the invention of the hanging flip flop organizer is the first sign of the Apocalypse.

Look, if you want to make bed products. Pillows and sheets and what not. Go ahead. If you want to make bath products. Soap and shower curtains and the like. Fine. But enough’s enough with the Beyond. This stuff is beyond useless. It’s beyond ridiculous. Please rename your store Bed, Bath & That’s It.

I’m back, baby.

There’s Nothing Like a Good Nap

Here’s the deal. My typical sleep schedule looks something like this – go to bed at 5:30 am, wake up at 11:45, back for a late afternoon nap from 3:20 to 4:10, awake and productive for the early evening, a quick forty winks at 10:30 pm then back up at 12:40 in the morning where I power through until I get sleepy again. In other words, I don’t have a typical sleep schedule. What can I say? Some of need a little  beauty sleep…some of us need a lot.

Many might think that this constant napping makes me a lazy man. They would be wrong. It’s not the napping that makes me lazy, it’s just my nature. The napping, in fact, is a benefit of my apathy.

According to the National Sleep Foundation (the only place where workers are rewarded for sleeping on the job) the power napper may have many advantages over the more conventional stay-awake-all-day individual.

Now that's a professional napper.

A brief, afternoon sleep can enhance alertness, increase productivity, improve your memory and boost creativity. I know that every time I wake up from a nap, my creative juices are flowing and I’m always coming up with new and interesting places to take my next nap.

Even better, a recent study found that those who nap at least three times per week have a 37% lower risk of heart-related death. And, double bonus, there’s a good chance that if they do suffer a heart-related death that they’ll just sleep through it.

And all of these are benefits of what sleep experts call the “power nap.” A power nap is 18-25 minutes in duration and ends before the snoozer enters slow-wave sleep. But if you want to see a truly powerful napper, you should check out my style. Sure, a 25 minute nap is fine if you’re a kindergartener, but I’m a full grown man…and I nap like it. If twenty minutes asleep in the afternoon can lower your risk of heart ailments by 37%, my 90 minute super nap will eliminate the possibility entirely. And if those brief dozers think they’re memory, alertness and productivity are increased, they should check out what I can accomplish after my vigorous, dynamic, ultra nap – which can last up to four hours.

That’s right. I’m never more productive than when I’m asleep. Just imagine what I could accomplish if I never got up at all…

So I humbly suggest that all of you try to incorporate a nap or two (or fourteen) into your daily schedule. Invite your friends over and have a nap party. A siesta fiesta, if you will. Take a nap with your kids. Snuggle up with the family pet for a quick catnap. Grab your iphone and open up your nap app. However, whenever, wherever, treat yourself to a nap. And if you’re simply too busy for napping….I wouldn’t worry about it…I mean, it’s nothing to lose sleep over.

2012 – A Great Year for Movies

Here’s the deal. My best friend and I have a reoccurring argument. It goes something like this. He says, “This is a terrible year for movies. They just don’t make ‘em like they used to. What’s wrong with the world? I hate everything!” To which I reply, “I thought this was a pretty good year for movies. I enjoyed a number of films that were released in the past twelve months. And I’m much too level-headed, reasonable and optimistic to think otherwise.”

We do this every year. Granted, he tends to exaggerate how bad things are and I am right. But this year, I think I am particularly right.

We’ve already had the surprisingly funny 21 Jump Street, the enticing Cabin in the Woods, and the under-appreciated Friends with Kids.

The Dark Knight Rises (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But the best is yet to come. Two of my favorite film makers, Wes Anderson and Christopher Nolan both have movies coming out in the next few months, and I can’t decide which I’m more anticipating – The Dark Knight Rises or Moonrise Kingdom. All I know is put the word “rise” in your title, and I’m in the seat, baby.

And there are many more films I’m looking forward to in 2012.

Dark Shadows – I’ve never seen the television show, but this looks like it just might be the movie that allows me to like Tim Burton to the degree to which I would like to like him.

The Dictator – I’m very much hoping that Sacha Baron Cohen can be as entertaining when he’s working with a screenplay as he is improvising.

To Rome with Love – I’ve always been a fan of Woody Allen and if last year’s outing was any indication, he’s returning again to his more comedic roots. Count me in.

The Campaign – Don’t know much about this one. But I have a theory that Zach Galifianakis has the rare ability to make almost anything funny (even his own last name).

Prometheus – Secrecy. Good ad campaign. Hype. History. Promising.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World – Steve Carell inserts humanity into his comedy like nobody’s business. He and I both know that you can’t misspell “comedy” without “drama.”

Looper – I’ve always loved good science fiction. Unfortunately, it’s pretty difficult to make good science fiction. This one looks like it could do the trick.

Toss in Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, The Hobbit, Ted, This is Forty, the new Spiderman and some others that I’m probably forgetting and 2012 has a tremendous amount of movie potential. My friend might still want to go back to the nineties, but I’m living in the present. And, if the Mayans were right about 2012, maybe we just saved the best for last.

A New Art Form for the Information Age – Blog Comment Spam

Here’s the deal. 4,398 hours ago I addressed blog comment spam with this post. Critics loved it, lovers were critical of it, and some may have said, “The internet will never be the same.” Well, I guess they were wrong, because I’m back to talk about blog comment spam once more, and make the internet the same again.

I don’t know how these spam comments are created, but they manage to mangle the English language in a unique and wonderful way. I imagine some ESL evil scientist assembling blog compliments by entering random verbs and nouns into his Almost Grammatically Correct Spam Maker 2000 Super Computer in an attempt to take over the World Wide Web. Well, I say kudos to you and your fellow blog comment spammers, you have created a new literary genre and you deserve some recognition.

The Almost Grammatically Correct Spam Maker 2000 Super Computer

And this past week, in response to my “Baby Hippo Teeth Are Awesome” post, I received my favorite blog comment spam yet…

“A formidable share, I simply given this onto a colleague who was doing somewhat analysis on this. And he in fact purchased me breakfast as a result of I found it for him..smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the deal with! But yeah Thnkx for spending the time to debate this, I feel strongly about it and love reading more on this topic. If potential, as you become experience, would you thoughts updating your blog with more particulars? It’s extremely helpful for me. Huge thumb up for this weblog submit!”

Let’s break it down…

“A formidable share.” This is a little oxymoronic, isn’t it? I wonder how many parents teach their children to share formidably. “Son, I want you to go out there and share. And I want those you share with to know full well that it was you who just shared with them…and to fear your name.”

“I simply given this onto a colleague who was doing somewhat analysis on this.” I was surprised to find that anyone other than me was analyzing baby hippo teeth. Then again, this person was only somewhat analyzing the subject. Somewhat analyzing is perfect for those with ADD and those who simply don’t care. “Are you analyzing those results?” “Eh, somewhat.”

“He in fact purchased me breakfast as a result of I found it for him..smile.” Check it out, a new punctuation mark – the double period. When your pause is more than one found at the end of a sentence, but less than one indicated by ellipsis. And who needs emoticons when you’ve got the actual word?

“Thnx for the deal with!” Not a problem. You’re very welcome…for the deal with. I’m glad you enjoyed the deal with. I’ll do my best to continue to provide my readers with the deal with in the future.

“If potential, as you become experience, would you thoughts updating your blog with more particulars?” I do not yet have a response to this question. I’ve hired a team of world-renowned linguists who are working around the clock to decode just what I’m being asked.

“Huge thumb up for this weblog submit!” It’s always nice to be appreciated…and I hope your thumb gets better.

Financial Advice 101: How to Succeed in Money Management Without Really Trying

Here’s the deal. In honor of one of my favorite authors, Douglas Adams, I am proud to present the fourth in my three part series “Makya McBee Changes the Focus of His Blog to Expose More People to His Blog and Save the World.” Part Four – Financial Advice.

Sure, some people turn to money gurus on TV to tell them how to work their way out of debt. But what do these people know? They’re all rich. Who knows more about the topic than a man who has spent his entire adult life in debt? I graduated from college in 1996, and I still haven’t put a dent in my college loans…and that makes me a financial expert.

Here’s my first piece of advice – get some money. There are many ways to get cash. Work. Find a pile of money. Okay, there are two ways to get cash. Regardless, you should get some.

Charles Ponzi's mug shot

Moving on.

Now you should invest that dough. I know what you’re thinking, “Should I invest in stocks? Bonds? Mutual Funds? Real Estate?” The answer is yes. Why not? They all sound pretty professional.

A note on real estate – make sure it’s real estate. I made the mistake of purchasing some abandoned lots in Narnia and investing in some Neverland property and I can tell you that fake estate investments do not pay off. The land I bought is Pixie Hollow adjacent, and I still can’t unload it.

But you probably want specifics. Many hot shot Wall Street types will try and predict future trends and invest in the next big thing. I’m here to tell you to play it safe. Invest in those things that people will always need – staples. Think about it. People will always have piles of paper. And there will always be only one way for them to keep these piles from blowing away. Wait a second…paper clips! They’re just like staples, but it’s easier to detach the papers. Yes, definitely invest in paper clips.

Another hint – if you find yourself looking for a financial advisor, avoid people with punny names. I mean, is it really any surprise that a guy named Bernie Madoff made off with his investors money? It’s like investing with Frank Moneygoaway or Suzy Loseitall. And what about those people who invested with Charles Ponzi in the 20’s? His name is Ponzi. And you’re not expecting a Ponzi Scheme? Common sense, people.

I guess that’s it. Make some money. Buy low, sell high. Paper clips. It’s really not that difficult. Sorry to rush out of here, but I’ve got an appointment to talk to a guy about buying a summer home overlooking Mermaid’s Lagoon…

Finding The Perfect Job

Here’s the deal. The time has come for the third in my three part series, “Makya McBee Changes the Focus of His Blog to Expose More People to His Blog and Save the World.” It’s been quite a journey. And it’s been wildly rewarding to discover how many topics there are that I know so very little about.

One such topic is getting a job. I do not have a job. I do not know how to get a job. I’m not entirely sure what a job is.

That being said, I’m going to dive right in and divulge my secrets to getting your dream job.

They must get all the good jobs.

(1)   Dress for success. I have made a lot of mistakes in this area. Here’s what I’ve learned. (a) No matter how cute your mom says you look in a poncho, most prospective employers will not agree. (b) While wearing a sophisticated wrist watch is classy, somehow wearing eight sophisticated wrist watches just comes off as crazy. (c) Always wear shoes…socks are great, but they’re just not enough. (d) Studies indicate that blue is the best interview color, but those same studies failed to inform me that blue hair dye is frowned upon. (e) A suit of armor conveys strength but often rouses the suspicion of security. (f) Apparently a kimono is a kino-no…save it for casual Friday. (g) And I can’t stress this last one enough – while the process may take longer than expected, edible undies are not an acceptable mid-interview snack.

(2)   Do other things to help you get a job. For example, create the perfect resume. Again, learn from my mistakes. An increased font size is not a substitute for experience, that 64 Times New Roman stands out in a bad way. And, while saving paper is important, never print your resume on the back of your latest restraining order.

(3)   Utilize online resources. Long gone are the days of hoofing it from business to business. Now you can simply type your job specifics into your local, friendly job search engine and let them do all the work for you.

I, for example, have begun to accept that I may never land my ideal job. So I went on to monster.com to see how many less desirable positions might be available…

Frankly, I’m shocked. That’s a nationwide search of lousy and tedious jobs. I have an inkling these results might be on the low side.

Next, I decided to search for the type of jobs I’d excel at. I considered my plethora of life experiences and searched for an employment opportunity that would best match my skill set…

I guess there’s hope after all. And, while I pride myself on keeping this blog PG-13, the thirteen year-old in me couldn’t resist…

What? I’m considering becoming a glassblower. At this point, I’m willing to consider almost anything. And big bonus if I can wear my poncho.

The BEST Online Contest in the World!

Here’s the deal. It’s finally time for my long-anticipated second in my number-to-be-determined part series, “Makya McBee Changes the Focus of His Blog to Expose More People to His Blog and Save the World.” Part 2 – Contests.

As you’re likely already aware, there are thousands of online contests and hundreds of sites dedicated to listing these contests. But who has the time to look through all these lists of contests? (Rhetorical – no need to send me the names of people in your life who have the time to go through contest lists…but who would have the time to write down all those names?) So we (i.e. me) here at Makya McBee Approves have simplified things for you. There’s really only one contest worth entering…

The Grilled Cheese Academy’s Grilled Cheese Sandwich Recipe Contest.

Who hasn’t dreamt of gracing the storied halls of the Grilled Cheese Academy? (Probably the same people who have the time to check out all those contests). Since the seventeenth century Camembert Renaissance, young dairy aficionados have strove, striven and strived to become an honorary member of the Academy, matching wits with other Edam experts and studying the sacred Havarti Texts.

As those ancient, heavy, oaken doors swing open and your eyes fall on the famous Academy plaque, “Brie all that you can Brie,” you’ll know that you’ve arrived. Quite simply, there is no better institution of higher learning and cheese appreciation in the world. (Partly due to the fact that there is no other institution of higher learning and cheese appreciation in the world).

And now, you too can be a part of the magic by submitting your very own grilled cheese recipe. (Spoiler alert: my recipe involves two slices of bread, a generous dab of butter, some cheese, and a hot skillet). So, if you’d like to win a trip to New York, some cheese and some cheddar ($500) – here’s the link. Remember, where there’s a will, there’s a whey.

How to Eat a Pomegranate and Yodel

Here’s the deal. In my continued efforts to better myself and save the world, this week I decided to do a little research on the top blog subjects. I found that “How to” blogs, health and fitness blogs, finance blogs, and blogs that feature job postings, contest listings and coupon codes get the most traffic. (Strangely, blogs about traffic are much less popular). And I figure that, within the parameters of my new positive outlook, a little experimentation is in order.

Thus, this is the first in my number-to-be-determined part series, “Makya McBee Changes the Focus of His Blog to Expose More People to His Blog and Save the World.” Part 1 – The “How To” Blog.

Using the handy auto-complete feature, I typed in “How To” and let Google work its magic. As always, I was surprised by what computer users everywhere are, apparently, searching for. Today I’ll focus on two of the most popular “How to” searches. (Honest, these were two of the most popular “How to” searches).

How To Eat a Pomegranate.

Pomegranates are baseball-sized fruit that are unique in that they are 93% inedible and thus much more useful as, say, baseballs. But if you’re determined to eat one, try these handy steps.

Looks great. Less filling.

Step 1: Go to your local grocery store and pick out a pomegranate. It should be bright red with smooth skin.

Step 2: Once home, cut the pomegranate into quarters. This will reveal the brightly colored seeds inside, each of which will provide you with a full tenth of an ounce of fruity goodness.

Step 3: Dig these annoying little seeds out of the fruit’s white membrane in which they are deeply embedded.

Step 4: Realize that the payoff in no way justifies the amount of work, throw the pomegranate away, go back to the grocery store and buy some pomegranate juice.

How to Yodel.

Seriously? You want to know how to yodel? Alright. Whatever.

Having no idea how to yodel, I visited what is not my favorite website – howtoyodel.net.

The team over at howtoyodel.net have a unique writing style. Here, for example, are a few of their suggestions. “If you love yodeling songs, and would like to learn.” “If your serious about learning how to yodel.” I, for one, love how they heighten the suspense of yodeling by never finishing any of their thoughts. Hey, howtoyodel.net, if you want to learn how to write a sentence.

And this website is wildly informative. I learned that “Swiss yodeling has been around for generations, and will be around for many generations to come.” (I just can’t help but feel that it’s a shame that they’ve wasted their amazing ability to see into the future on the durability of yodeling). I also discovered that “This vocal technique is used all [over] the world by many different cultures for entertainment and hobby purposes!” Okay. I get it. You’re excited about yodeling. No need to shout.

But, despite their limited understanding of the English language and punctuation, they do have the go-to site for would-be yodelers. Their first suggestion is that you “find a place out of the way to practice.” Yes. I agree. If you want to yodel, go far, far away.

Next, you should “listen to your favorite yodeling songs.” And who doesn’t have a healthy list of favorite yodeling songs? I know I’ll never forget when I made my first yodeling mix tape. When I was in Junior High and Run DMC came out with Yo, Yo, Del, I listened to it every day.

Then, “after all your hard work and practice, you may want to join a yodeling group.” Unfortunately, there is, of course, no such thing as a yodeling group.

And, lastly, “after you learn you can entertain family and friends who enjoy this type of singing.” No. No you can’t.

Well this has been simply terrific. I don’t think it could have gone any better. Now everyone who wants to know how eat pomegranates and yodel will come to my new, how-to site.

Now….how to end a blog entry…

The WordPress “My Stats” Page is the Cat’s Pajamas

Here’s the deal. There’s really only one reason to have a blog – to get people to read your blog. Don’t be fooled by those who claim otherwise. If they didn’t secretly harbor wishes of going viral and securing hundreds of thousands of readers, they’d just keep a diary. Starting a blog is really no different than the kid on the monkey bars calling out, “Hey, look at me!” And, despite the fact that it’s pretty tough to get anyone’s attention what with the thousands of virtual monkey bar swingers out there, I’ve always embraced this fact. The reason I started my blog is because I had a literary agent that told me I’d written a book that various editors found hilarious but couldn’t possibly publish because I wasn’t already famous. I’m here for one reason only – to get an audience.

"Hey, Look at me!"

Thus, I always enjoy checking out my stats. (Granted, I enjoy checking out my stats more on days when I have a couple hundred views and less on the days when a couple dozen people stop by). To my delight, WordPress has recently enhanced the site stats feature, giving us more details about who is reading our blogs. And the only thing I like more than statistics and graphs are statistics and graphs about me.

My favorite part of the stats page is “Search Engine Terms,” where we get a glimpse at the actual phrases typed into search engines that deliver readers to our blogs. For example, rarely a week goes by when someone is not directed to this post while searching for, “People who take up two parking spaces.” This past week, I had a hit here when someone somewhere searched for, “Full grown hippo teeth.” (Yes, my dream of creating a monopoly on hippo teeth internet traffic is finally coming to fruition). Someone else on the world wide internet computer web found themselves reading this when they queried, “How do I refer to myself in the third person?” (I don’t know, how does Makya McBee refer to himself in the third person?) And, my favorite search of the week led some unsuspecting surfer to my most recent post when they searched for, “Batman McBee.” (Holy unknown relative! Am I related to a superhero? Could my rich Uncle Bobo, who lives up in Gotham City, actually be Batman McBee?!?)

And, with each entry, new and strange word combinations will lead people to my blog. Right now there’s some woman who is concerned about how wrinkled her pet’s outfits are and will end up reading this post when she Googles, “My word, it’s time to press my cat’s pajamas.”

But I like the other details as well. Like when WordPress lets me know how many people from each country are looking at my blog. The United States is always first on the list, but for reasons I can’t fully comprehend, this past week the second most readers came from Turkey. I’ve never been to Turkey. I don’t know anybody in Turkey. But (insert your own “Turkey” pun here. May I suggest something with “cold turkey,” or a line about how it’s time to “talk turkey”).

Also last week, I had one single visitor from Saudi Arabia. If you’re back this week, I just wanted to send a personalized greeting to this individual. Don’t be afraid to tell your friends about this blog. I love you guys, but Turkey is making you look bad.

WordPress also provides bloggers with the “Most Popular Topics.” My top four this past week: humor, facebook, behavior, and Flavor Flav. I had no idea my “Flavor Flav” tags (yes, I’ve mentioned him twice, here and here, were producing so much traffic). I’m currently thinking about renaming my blog, “Flavor Flav Approves (now in Saudi Arabia!)”

Anyway, I guess my point is that these stats are pretty cool. Imagine if the rest of our lives were this well-documented. If we could get home from work and check out the day’s stats…

Today, six coworkers talked about you behind your back. These were their top five topics of gossip…

Congratulations, nineteen people on the subway checked out your butt today. Here are their countries of origin…   

Today, one person was watching over you…

In your darkest hour…

When you need a savior…

He is there…

His name…

Batman McBee.