Here’s the deal. This is a lion.
And this is a sea lion.
You see what I’m gettin’ at? As loveable and cute as they may be, I don’t see how these glorified seals have any right to call themselves lions.
Lions are ferocious carnivores at the top of their food chain. Sea lions are pinnipeds with external ear flaps. Yeah, apparently those external ear flaps are pretty important to a sea lion as it is the easiest way to distinguish them from seals. Honestly, if my defining characteristic were an external ear flap I wouldn’t draw any attention to myself by calling myself a lion.
Come on, lions are kings of the jungle. And they don’t even live in the jungle. Now that’s real power. I wonder what office they hold in the savannah? The sea lions main claim to fame is that it can hold its breath for forty minutes. I’m no history scholar, but I don’t think anyone has ever gained a ruling position by demonstrating their ability to hold their breath. (Although that would make for an engaging Republican presidential debate…might give Jon Huntsman a chance, I hear that guy’s got a real set of lungs on him).
Sea lions are also known for their intelligence. It turns out that most of those trained seals you see at various water parks are actually sea lions. It seems these guys have real identity issues. Mistaking themselves for lions while everyone else is mistaking them for seals. If they’re so darn smart, why don’t they demand credit for balancing that ball on their nose? And why didn’t they pick a more appropriate name, like Sea Dogs?
Another interesting fact – male sea lions don’t eat during breeding season, they’re too busy protecting their females. I’ll give them credit for that. That’s dedication. I’ve taken the opposite approach in my life – I don’t breed during eating season. Has not served me well.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I talk some sense into these blubber-encased ocean mammals? You know what, this sounds like a job for Aquaman. (Wow, I bet that’s the first time anyone has ever said that). Only Aquaman can speak their language. Maybe he can get them to open their external ear flaps and listen to reason. Which will free up my time for other, more important pursuits. After all, it’s eating season.