Here’s the deal. Flip flops are ridiculous. I don’t know which part is worse, the flipping or the flopping. And when you combine them…I just don’t get it.
Shoes should be like little houses for your feet. Like a well-built home, an effective shoe should keep your tootsies warm and sheltered from the harsh elements outside. With flip flops, it’s like the contractor built a floor, put in a single roof beam…and then went out of business. That’s not a good house for your feet.
In fact, flip flops have it exactly backwards – they protect only the toughest part of your feet and leave the vulnerable bits dangerously exposed. You think flip flops care about your safety? Well, guess again, my friend.
And that’s just the beginning. I certainly don’t appreciate all of the pressure that flip flops put on your big toe and its neighbor. I think we can all agree that toes shouldn’t have jobs. Toes are good for wriggling around in socks and clenching carpet. At the most, they can be trusted with testing the temperature in swimming pools. But flip flops put them in charge of keeping the shoe on. Like the driver of a horse-drawn wagon, the toes are handed the reins and expected to run the show. This is simply too much to ask of a toe and I won’t stand for it.
Another big problem is that it’s difficult to move in flip flops. Ideally, footwear should be conducive to bipedal motion. It’s certainly not easy to run in flip flops. I’d argue that it’s not particularly easy to walk in them. Look, if I wanted a large, rubber flap repeatedly slapping against my heel, I’d…well, I don’t know what I’d do, there’s really nothing else in life that mirrors the feeling of wearing a flip flop. And with good reason.
If you had any doubt, it’s right there in the name. Flops are bad. If it’s a play or a movie, a flop is a disaster. Flops of the belly variety are painful. People who flip-flop are not to be trusted. Bad actors who change their mind mid-air as they fly, prone, into the pool while wearing these cheap sandals – well, that’s a flop producing, belly flopping, flip-flopping flip flops wearer. That’s a dangerous mouthful.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I rid the world of these rubber soles? I can only ask people to listen to their feet. If you’re very quiet and concentrate, you’ll hear your feet whispering, “We need a house. We need cushioning. We need arch support. We need ankle protection. And, damn, those flip flops you keep putting on us are ugly.”