Here’s the deal. Mountain Dew is out of control. For the longest time, I understood what I was getting into when I purchased one of these sodas. I could accurately predict the color. I would not be surprised by the taste. But those days are over.
In 2001, they introduced Mountain Dew Code Red…I let this one slide. One green. One red. I could handle that.
In the last decade however, Mountain Dew is acting like a Gremlin caught in a sprinkler - sprouting out copies of itself at an unprecedented rate. In the past ten years, they’ve introduced: Live Wire, Pitch Black, Baja Blast, Supernova, Game Fuel, Pitch Black II, Revolution, Voltage, Ultra Violet, Throwback, Cherry Fusion, White Out, Typhoon, Distortion, Flare, Crave, X-treme, and others.
For over fifty years, there was one Mountain Dew, now there seem to be over fifty per year. What’s up with that, Dew?
I don’t have time to taste your infinite variations. I don’t have the patience to figure out which is which. I don’t have the energy to sort through all these colas.
But, surprisingly, that’s not the real reason I’m calling out the Dew. In their new commercial, they are once again letting soda fans everywhere decide what their newest permanent flavor will be. Either Diet Mountain Dew Voltage (raspberry citrus) or Diet Mountain Dew Supernova (strawberry melon). And in both their commercial and their website they feature the graphic, “Voltage vs. Supernova.”
Listen up, PepsiCo., I own the phrase “_______ vs. _______”
No one shall be versusing anything without my permission (I’m talking to you too, O’neal…don’t even think about filming a third season of Shaq Vs.)
And who are you kidding anyway, Mountain Dew? Everyone knows you’ll make them both permanent flavors regardless. You’re addicted to creating new extreme-sounding flavors. I’m sure you’re currently developing Mountain Dew Terminal Velocity, Mountain Dew Maximum Security, and Mountain Dew Patrick Swayze Kicking Butt in Roadhouse Alert Level Orange Code Purple.
So, how am I going to do it? How will I stop this auto-cloning soda and retain the rights to all things versus? For one, I won’t be voting for either Voltage or Supernova…my only vote is for the original, highly-carbonated, neon-green soda we all grew up with…because no matter the funky, new color or the intimidating, extreme name, Mountain Dew was meant to be a solo act – we don’t need all these Dewettes.